captivating persephone

or are you beautiful because i love you?

2010-09-29T14:17:00.001-07:00

i like this. a lot.

also, go here http://www.savebluelikejazz.com/ . this book saved me from imminent crash and burn. changed my life. made me who i am today. i found jesus and his big, huge, beautiful heart through this book. i don't have any money, because i am a missionary. but at least pray for them, even if you can't give. this will reach millions with the truth! (and i don't mean that in a hokey way. this is for real. the love of jesus here, folks.)

so i've been swamped lately, working on my big fundraiser. i'm a little bit nervous.... but i know it always comes in the end. i've never been dropped or left out in the cold yet. so stay tuned. you're all always a big part of these things. when the plan is made, you'll find it here!

peace.

i'm a buffalo soldier

2010-09-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

i think of all the types of days i've encountered over the years, cloudy ones with a touch of wind are my favorite. you know, the long pants, light sweatshirt, and maybe a scarf or two, types. a little sigh just escaped as i sat down. my menagerie strewn about me, books, pens, grapes. sitting in the window. gorgeous fall colors all around. settling in for the long haul. this is my home for real. no matter where home is.

i think my heart is more able to be quiet because of the glorious blessings of the morning. i woke up early. early enough to make a couple of loaves of banana-peach chocolate chip bread (which i can personally testify to you, is quite delicious). i was wondering at the idea that waiting for things to bake is sacred time. it's time when focus on much else will cause catastrophe, and you are granted that span of moments to bask in the smell and feel of creating something (and the lovely proof that you are not totally bereft of talent at that whole being a woman thing, ahem). so i can check that off the list. of all the things i cannot or have not made, i am a madwoman with fruit breads involving bananas :)

my next appointment of the day was to speak to a sunday school class for some friends of mine. they wanted to hear about bolivia and what i have been up to the past couple of years. i was terrified. now, keep in mind, particularly if you are one of the lovely ladies who invited me, that the last time i spoke for a sunday school class at my church, i was sharply reprimanded and sent out as soon as i was done, for taking up time (that was alloted to me, i didn't ask for it), by a horrifying woman who has no sense of social propriety or company manners. yes, kids, that sometimes happens at church. so i came into this, knowing logically that these were my friends, but feeling a little jumpy at the same time. only to find....

i have never felt such peace and welcome in my life! loralee and carissa..... if you read, you have to know that your interest in my life and support for me and for my project are what makes it possible for me to hold on like i do. you help me be what you admire most about me. so thank you :) from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

so now here i sit. ready to contemplate the meaning of life (ha). and bask in every kind of provision as it has been granted to me. glory be!

here's a picture of the joy of my heart to brighten your day as you go....

you are good when there's nothing good in me...

2010-09-21T14:17:00.001-07:00

you know what i love?

coffee. like a lot. okay, probably too much.... so that's what i'm up to right now. tee hee.

i love the band crooked still, having been introduced to them by my sister sarah. this girl's voice is unbelievable!

i have loved having my darling katie here with me these past few days. yesterday we spent the afternoon with sarah and baby ethan, and heaven met earth for a moment. isn't he perfect??? i might be a little biased :) (he's rocking his bluegrass bandana on the left, and getting auntie kate and nona kisses on the right)

these girls are two of my three. there really is nothing like sarah, kate, and i being in the same place. and god gave us 3 or 4 good days together. bluegrass festivals, pizza parties, and lots of auntie time with the little punkin head :) oh, glory!

my heart has been so heavy lately with a happy burden. i've been praying and praying about the future and what god is doing with my community here. specifically with the NEXT community. and it all seems to good to be true. NEXT is the service we have at 6 on sunday nights in the back of the coffee shop. we started it 4 years ago when i moved back to wichita. i actually moved back specifically to do this ministry, and four years later, we are going strong. lately it seems, with the unrest and starvation i have been wading through spiritually, i am more and more drawn to the idea that those around me must be starving as well. and i am prepared now to take responsibility for that. or at least to begin moving in that direction.

we need a goal. we need a purpose to push is forward as a community. to bind us together. we need honesty and grace. not just to talk about and uphold grace, but to live it and exercise it. and the burden i have been given is to steer my people in that direction. god's given me the vision. so here i go!

also, i love sleepovers. i love sleepovers with leta reppert. in the guest house behind HOH. woot.

till the sun turns black

2010-09-08T09:00:00.001-07:00

i borrowed this picture from a blog that i have begun to read most every morning. farmama. she is amazing! i love her thoughts and wisdom. her regard for the land, love for her family. she's such an inspiration to me!

it's been prodding at me to figure out what i really want out of life. i have spent several hours in the car pondering, and i have some ideas.

when i grow up (ahem) i want to be a professor. of anthropology. i want to write interesting (to me) things and publish them for other nerdy people who want to understand human nature and its crazy tendencies. i want to spend too much time reading books. and spend too much time with my family and friends. i want to have too many nieces, nephews, and godchildren, cluttering up my space and messing up my cleanliness. i want to spend my days slowly. in awe of all the small things around me. growing things. teaching piano lessons. i am really excited that i get to start now.

i am sitting here in this little coffee shop, in my old home town, reading pete rollins' blog. mmmhmmm, good stuff :) i am so in love with his brain.... anyway. the september 1st post was really interesting, speaking of love, being in love, and what it really means to love someone purely for who they are. it sort of reminds me of how i think god feels about us. in a microcosmic sort of way, of course.

"If someone asks why you love them there is something obscene in the mere listing of traits. For while these may contribute to your connection with the other, love addresses something deeper. It is attached to a property unlike all other properties. I may like you because you are attractive, interesting and creative, but I love you because you are you. Because there is something excessive about you that emanates from the totality of your attributes but which cannot be reduced to them."

similarly, where grace is concerned, we tend to look for ways to earn the love of our father. ways to make it worth his while. and the funniest part of that is that it's akin to trying to name the thing that makes you love your soul mate. the children of your loved ones. your best friend. nigh impossible, says i. it's the warmth. the little tingle that brings the smile to your face. the recognition of that thing that binds your souls. like breathing deeply in the morning.

i love it that he thinks of me that way :) and i adore seeing the evidence of that alive in my life. be blessed today, beloved.

in the still of the night

2010-09-02T21:39:00.001-07:00

i have decided to force you all to read my blog. why? because it is pretty. and i like it better than facebook notes. so here it is, the attempt. will i succeed..... ?

i thought i would begin by updating you with the great blessings i find crowding around me these days. god has been so good to meet all of my needs in strange and outrageous ways. i have found myself with a beautiful little apartment just down the street from my favorite house i ever lived in, in my favorite part of town. i have a wonderful phone, and the same as the apartment, it is thanks to the lovely leta and her generosity while she is away. i am slowly working back into schedules, meetings, ministry, and beginning to contemplate the idea of working on my actual "work" again. vacation is about over....

tonight, i am sitting here in the kitchen, facing the new burgundy mums that miss kate davis so sweetly gifted me a few days ago. a big bowl of ripe bananas, peaches, and avocados sits next to my jar of teas for the mornings. the windows are open to let in the cool air, and i can hear the crickets chirping outside. even the wind rustling the leaves of the trees registers somewhere in my senses. i am in pajamas, drinking apple juice, thanking god for my wonderful family, my precious community, and the life that is so much more than i could have ever dreamed or asked for.

granted, everything is not perfect. nearly always, there is a point in the day when i long for what i do not have. i want to speak spanish. i can't understand the culture here. i am hungry for a decent papaya. and sometimes i miss the anonymity and solitude of the life i live daily in bolivia. especially when the time flies by here, filled with meeting after meeting, appointment after appointment, and everyone clamors for attention from me, disappointed when they cannot have it all.

but more than anything, i am just relieved. this is my country. this is my home. these are my friends, my chosen family, really. my parents are just a few hours away. i can call my brother and sister on the phone whenever i want. and most of all, i see such beauty and calm settling over a heart that has strained and yearned too long for rest and comfort. it has finally arrived. and i intend to enjoy it to the fullest :)

no place like home...

2010-08-30T11:15:00.000-07:00

so i've been missing for a while. i will save you the exhaustive update.

i am alive. some things happened. i survived. i am home.

i'm currently in that hibernatory state that occasionally creeps up on me when i am overwhelmed.

and i am overwhelmed.

don't get me wrong. i am so happy to be home, just totally peopled out. i am sure it is only for the day. right now i am hiding in a strategic location, gloriously lost in looking at pretty fabric patterns and contemplating the future activities in my visit. praying for my friend and her family in the loss of her mom. dreaming about my project and seeking that new perspective that will launch me when i return to it in october. missing my family like crazy. worrying about money.

and i am so grateful for it all :)

so good to be home again.

take only what you need from it

2010-04-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

quite a day yesterday. it occurs to me that i would dearly love to be working in a coffee shop today. reading a book. talking to people. watching the sun move over the floor tiles. i've grown quite impatient waiting for who knows what to happen so we can get started.

yesterday i began a consulting arrangement with a hotel here in cocha. a really beautiful, peaceful, expensive hotel :) not only did i have the time of my life, i realized how much i miss getting to really work. watching someone's face when i make them a drink that they've never had before. something amazing they didn't know was possible. and the smell....

of the air that drifted through the halls. drawing people in from the gardens. in my clothes last night when i put on my pajamas. in my nose when i left, tempting me to return. that smell when i got the grind just right, and pulled the perfect shot, in just the right amount of time.... *sigh*

i miss that. tomorrow they are delivering my furniture for the smaller cafe in the hospital. after it arrives, i will take a picture, and go out to find beautiful things to add to the shelves and counter space to make it lovely. i'm so ready. we won't make much money there. but it's the idea of it. something beautiful and different. something to comfort the people waiting.

coffee is such an amazing thing :)

deep red bells

2010-04-25T18:42:00.000-07:00

i just realized that it's really been almost exactly a month since i've written anything. i suppose i spend so much time living that i forget to write home about it :) i didn't think you'd mind.

things have changed so much in the past month. i've moved down the hill to a friend of mine's old house. she has moved back to the states, and i have taken over her house and i'm temporarily responsible for her two dogs. wow. dogs. i haven't ever had dogs on my own before, and i must say, it's a tough job! they don't reason like kids do....

last night i policed bedtime with 7 rowdy kids at the orphanage and had them all asleep within 15 minutes. but you can reason with them. "if you don't quit mouthing off and being rude, i am going to tell tia elena (house mom) everything you have said and done." "NO tia, NO!" snore. and another. "but tia, i am in a bed. i'm in leydi's bed. because....i need to change my pajamas." "are your pajamas in leydi's bed?" "well no...." shuffle shuffle. "goodnight, tia." snore. but the dogs?

"why have you eaten my book? AGAIN?" blank stare. tail wag. "why did you eat nicholas' book too???? it's not even mine! and it was up on the shelf!!" blank stare. whine. feet over the eyes. and you can be sure, the very next time i leave them alone for too long. chomp, chomp, chomp.

so long, shoes.

so long, random papers by the phone.

so long, texas chainsaw massacre playing cards.

dogs.

many other very random amazing things have been happening lately. for instance, i randomly ran into a friend of a friend when i was out with said friend, and it turned out, her friend has just started an NGO here to work with impoverished folks. what's more, our causes are intertwined! so we agreed to meet, and in our meeting, discovered that we can do great things together and for one another. there's a small chance i will be joining forces and becoming part of this NGO, as they have formally asked me, and i am seriously considering it. more information to follow, when more definite decisions are made, of course. but it will make absolutely everything about my time here easier and more efficient if i do become part of it. not only that, i have been blessed with some sweet consulting jobs. so everything seems to be rounding out nicely.

in addition to all this, we have decided to start a small cafe in the hospital, and it looks like we'll have it open in a few weeks. joy! the furniture has been ordered, to be shipped this week, and we're on our way :) now if we can just get the coffee machine working again...

the greatest blessings by far have been the growing partnerships we've been given with this project. not long after i arrived, nicholas offered to work with me, and has since been the most amazing help to me. in truth, we've accomplished so much more together than we could have separately, or i could have without him. and recently, our friend mari has offered to join forces with us as well. without divulging too much detail, i can say that our projects can, and really should, coexist in the same space. so we're looking for a place where we can be together and work to accomplish our similar goals. each project strengthening a place in which the other is weak.

so that's about it. i have a beautiful home. wonderful community. and i love living here.

hi, my name is brianna. i live in cochabamba..... gulp. indefinitely :)

could we find freedom?

2010-03-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

one of the greatest strains/most amazing accomplishments a missionary can accrue, is wrapping your brain around the time and location issue. i feel like i have little epiphanies all day long, each one revealing a little piece of the picture. as if this life i'm leading is a puzzle and i am missing several pieces. only when i forget everything else, and become immersed in the moment, can i find them, one at a time. this is the one moment when the goal is most clear, and one begins to develop more and stronger cravings for those moments as time progresses.

my time here is so different from the time i spend at home. for instance, when you want something, it is often not available. gas for the stove. bananas at 9 pm. food that doesn't require extensive preparation. to hug your god-daughters or niece. but it's the lack of those things that often make you stronger in the end. for one thing....no gas for the stove means no eating at bad times of night. same with the other two. and no hugs means more anticipation and more words about the times when hugs can be had. this is not a place of instant gratification.

i've seen some really beautiful pieces of the puzzle lately. today in particular, i received a rather large one. there's a really beautiful palace/giant house here called the palace of doors. palacio de portales. it's old. and beautiful. and full of history. there are gardens all around it, art and sculpture. i'd only been there during the day previously, walking in the gardens with nicholas, or on a tour of the house with the volunteers. tonight there was a concert, part of a festival of bach pieces to be played over the course of a month or so. the chamber orchestra played in the ballroom of the house, and the four of us (myself, nicholas, kelley, and amy) decided to attend.

sitting in the old wooden chairs, under the precisely maintained painted ceilings. the grand staircase rising up behind my head. the imported french damask silk walls shining in the light. a clavinette, viola di gambo, cello, flute, and violin serenaded us. bach or no bach, however one feels about baroque music, the weight of history and participation in something magnificent, was tangible. in the beginning i did not notice my surroundings and their call for my attention. i lost myself watching the colors dance and thinking of home. putting myself back in alumni auditorium. under the rose window. behind the black curtain. clarinets in my lap, reeds in my mouth. the smell of music and old ink.

i could have stayed there forever. evading the reality of my distance not only in space, but in time from that particular place. but the thought occurred to me at some point, that i was missing the silk. the huge wooden doors that the house was named for, opening to admit the fresh night air and the smell of the gardens. the grand staircase. the ballroom. something became terribly clear to me at that exact moment.

my life will always be what i choose to make it. i can attend chamber concerts at home. i can attend them here. i can read and enrich my mind at home. i can read and enrich my mind here. i can be myself at home, and i can, and really must be myself here. the time is too short and too valuable. too valuable to refuse to see the reality of what is happening around me, and truly participate in it.

we must be present. we must be grateful. we must choose to clear away the blinders of discontent and choose to make our lives something good and beautiful.

it's so very possible, it's overwhelming.

no more diamonds.

2010-03-16T21:08:00.001-07:00

i've begun this several times. just watching the blinking cursor over and over. waiting for the words to come. i'm giving up. i'll just push forward....

the trip here was smooth. only one little hiccup at the very end with the miami to santa cruz flight lasting longer than expected, causing me to miss my flight from santa cruz to cochabamba. i have to tell you, by the time i finally arrived at the airport here, i was so happy to know i hadn't dreamed it all before, that i couldn't contain myself.

the very first thing i did was call marcelo and ale to come get me. the second thing was to pile my giant assortment of baggage (that all made it here this time!!!) at brazilian cafe and order jugo de maracuya con agua.

the greatest ridiculousness of culture shock is how often you find yourself certain that everything is fine and you are adjusting perfectly. inevitably, moments later you become a babbling idiot. i tried to think of good examples, but they're all too humiliating. take my word for it. just think of me getting lost looking for shower curtains in la cancha and forgetting the ENGLISH word for them.

all in all, i believe that my body and my brain are finally in agreement concerning where i am, as of some time this afternoon. i don't feel lost anymore. i don't wake up thinking i'm at home. or wondering how i got into barb's room. i smell things and see things that i remember. and best of all, i can have a meal with spanish speakers and actually carry on important conversations. i even saw my first full movie in spanish (alice in wonderland), and i didn't miss a thing language wise. like riding a bike.

so don't worry about me. it was one of the worst feelings i've ever felt when i had to go through security that morning, never wonder how deeply i carry you all in my heart. but that time seems far away now, thank goodness. and i have things to do.

here's a good story to finish. one of our best and brightest boys came to amy's house today and i got a chance to see him. he has such a beautiful smile and sweet spirit. he told me he was so glad i came back, and had been waiting to see me. when i gave him my number so he could call if he needed anything, he looked at me earnestly with sober eyes, and promised he would. i'm praying fervently for him to trust me. that's how he'll know. how he'll know that god wants him and cares for him. it will be wonderful to see him understand love.

so this is joy (terrible, awful, the leaving)

2010-03-03T19:47:00.000-08:00

the time is drawing near once again. it's time for the leaving.

a person would imagine that at some point the leaving would feel less severe. that the ache of being separated would ease, and the body would remember how good it feels to come back, and how soon that time seems to arrive. and simultaneously remember how sometimes being back hurts worse than the leaving.

a person would imagine "if everything is measured by the hole it leaves behind," as the song says, that the hole would eat up life at some point and overtake the soul. or maybe that's just how the leaving feels at it's core.

maybe the leaving is, at it's best, a reminder of how deep love can permeate. and at it's worst, a situation that can trick and keep one complacent and stagnant in fear of loss or missed experiences.

whatever it is, rest assured that the leaving will rend me in two more viciously and violently this time than ever before. it's nothing we've done wrong. nothing i could have prepared for. it's something we've done right. incredibly, painfully, beautifully, right.

thank you for making the leaving so dreadfully perfect. and so necessary. you know who you are.

the music makes me feel so beautiful

2010-02-19T23:32:00.001-08:00

sun kil moon always makes me feel beautiful and sort of blushy. like the harmony and sweetness of it meshes with my cells and brightens my countenance by proximity. radiohead does that sometimes too.

my booth faces the big glass windows in the front of one of my favorite coffee shops. i like this shop. i like this booth. i like the coffee. and i love the cloudy day. even when i was opening my own shop, i still came here in the afternoons. maybe it's for the anonymity. maybe it's for the variety. maybe i'm a coffee shop whore :)

so, coming home was hard. it was all so anticipatory on the airplane. when they finally let me out of the passport control and customs in bolivia, i was so shaken up and nervous that i cried off and on half the way to jamaica. lol. luckily the lady next to me didn't speak english, so i was able to distract myself by talking to her and helping her order her food and such. god knows what we need.

the phrase "no te preocupes" (don't worry) was a staple in that whole process, and it is now and will be forever one of the most comforting phrases i have ever heard...thank god for those words.

after enjoying my first peppermint mocha at starbucks in the miami airport, i said goodbye to my lovely ruth (very hard to do) and found another starbucks to pass the time while i waited to finally head home to the midwest. all the flights were miraculously on time. and there was snow waiting for me in dallas along with a very good friend who i was perfectly delighted to see. after a brilliant night in a huge bed with a real down comforter, i woke up way too early out of excitement and headed to the airport.

everything after that is pretty much a haze. just....cloudy. i know i cried almost the entire flight to wichita. i know i cried after i rounded the corner and saw my friends. i know we went to eat at my favorite mexican food place for lunch. i know i became supremely irritated at not having a phone, and stayed that way for a few days till my wonderful brother victor came to the rescue.

just yesterday or maybe the night before, something changed. i think my body finally settled down and figured out that i wasn't moving around anymore. travel will do that to you. you get so used to moving all the time, and changing your surroundings so drastically, that you feel antsy and distracted even after you get to the stopping point. i'm settling. finally. whew.

so what now? now we process. now we write. now we record. now we rest and prepare. because the task wasn't the preparing. the task will be the doing. and loving that deeply, giving that much, pushing through that kind of hardship and defeat....that is not for the faint of heart. so in this time, i will study and read and listen for god to instruct me. because i have to be ready for a fight. it's always a fight to tear something out of satan's grasp. and he wants those street kids.

so we're going to stand in the gap for them. you, me, jesus, and enough love to see them through the failures and setbacks that are sure to come. i'll be writing more often i hope. thanks so much for the support and love you continue to give me wherever i am.

it's good to be at home.

i'll be home for chrismas

2010-02-19T23:31:00.000-08:00

you can count on me :)

so i'm sitting here in my room. it's nigh 80 degrees outside, and the hot south american sun is beating down on the poor defenseless vegetation outside. strange environment for what i'm doing....

i'm watching the macy's thanksgiving day parade, drinking hot tea, and listening to christmas music.

**i had to laugh just now. the c alphabet block from the sesame street float almost lost his pants and had to run off the road for a second. that's good times, folks :)**

anyway, as i face the last 3 or 4 days of my first adventure in bolivia, i find myself often stopping to take stock of all that god has done in me, for me, and with me these past 4 1/2 ish months. i have never appreciated my family more than i do now. i have never loved my hometown (wichita) more than i do now. i have never known the value of my best friends like i do now. and i have never ached for and seen the beauty of so many of the small things that made up my life and who i am, as i do now.

the world is much brighter now, from where i sit, than it was just a few short months ago. and for the patience and love of all of you that endured this painful transformation with me, i am forever grateful. even those words seem so small...

so now that i've gushed and mushed all over all of you, i have very specific things i want to let you know i am thankful to remember today. cliche? yes. will i do it anyway? oh yes.

- grandma's house on thanksgiving. the macy's parade was always on all morning while we cooked and ran our errands in the snow or leaves of late fall. after the parade, it was football until our late lunch. which sort of dragged on through the rest of the day to dinner and midnight snacks. oh turkey and mashed potato sandwiches...

- aunt pat's on thanksgiving. can anyone say, pies and fresh whipped cream? how about ice cream with homemade chocolate sauce? oh yes. and pitch tournaments galore with the cousins. grandpa used to say, bid or die. kind of like vote or die. but more severe. shooting the moon and losing was hilarious. shooting the moon and winning was legendary :) <3>

fever dream

2010-02-19T23:30:00.000-08:00

well i was going to take a nap. that's what sunday afternoons are for, right? in between church services, before football comes on the television, prime napping real estate.

no such luck. i'm like a little kid who isn't sleepy and can't lay still. hooray for being a grown up and getting to decide for myself when my nap is over :)

i've been meaning to do this for a while actually. and lest i begin each update with apologies for my tardiness, i'll save it and tell you like it is. these past few weeks have been some of the hardest in my life. and some of the best as well. by far. with all that i have had to do, at times just trying to stay alive, i really didn't put the update at the top of the "to do" list.

that being said, i will do my best to help you rejoin the loop.

in addition to my normal research projects and relationship building within the business community, i have been helping with the street kids a lot. with the girls, this has been monumental. i've been working with our hospital to help provide care for pregnant girls living on the street, and discounts for their births and such. this has often included running up to the bridge where our specific group lives, and reading zulma and gary (couple who just had a baby yesterday) the riot act for being there with their other 18 mo old boy, when they're mandated to stay in the room we provided for them near the job we helped gary get. bridge = glue sniffing and violence among the kids. not good for small children and pregnant girls.

with the boys it's been significantly harder. one was murdered in june just before i got here. another was stabbed not long ago, and as he was recovering in a hospital, was persuaded to commit suicide and jump from the window. not a week later, another boy hung himself at the bridge where all the other kids were sleeping. traumatic all around. we decided not to sit idly by and wait for the next kid to fall victim to hopelessness, and called an emergency prayer meeting. we brought down the house, praying and singing, pacing and raising our hands for hours. a few of the kids came, and we got a chance to bless them with prayer, rest, and pizza. it was so good to be able to show them how hard we are literally fighting for their very lives every moment.

the best parts of working with them, by far, have been the small things. when zulma came out to our hospital to get checked by our doctors, i got to care for little miguelito (18 mo old kiddo mentioned above). he calls all of us gringas "niorita" because he can't quite get the word "seniorita" out. we played on the slide and the swings for a long time while amy and zulma waited for the doctors. and every time i would catch him at the bottom of the slide, he'd grab my face with both hands, give me a gooey kiss on the nose, and coo, "niorita...." what a precious baby. born of a union formed on the streets of the city...with parents that sniffed glue constantly as he was growing inside....and here he is. perfectly normal, well adjusted, and very smart. after all that he has endured in his tiny little life, i can't wait to see what his future holds.

the boys also work on the corners, washing windows and juggling fire for the cars to make a little money. the other night i was on my way in to amy's house, sitting on the left side of the bus, closest to the median. my window was open, and as we pulled up to the stoplight, i heard yelling through my earphones. i took them out and looked around as 5 boys came running over to the side of the bus calling, "seniorita, seniorita! como estas? te extranamos!!!" (even though they saw me the day before :) ). i am sure the other people on the bus thought i was crazy as we chatted, gave each other kisses and high fives through the window. they were just jabbering on about how glad they were to see me, and asking if i would come see them at the bridge soon. these kids are anywhere from 11 to 15...maybe 17 years. sweet, sweet boys (except when they're high, of course).

i know this. i don't care what the world thinks. i'll reach out my hands to them from bus windows any time. every time.

all this being said, aside from having typhoid fever (not a lot of fun, just so you know) and being given death threats by the ring leader of the more dangerous street boys, these past few weeks have been an exhilirating experience to be sure. even these bad things just prove to me that god has me in his hands. if that weren't so, i would not still be here, living or otherwise.

and i have finally (AL FIN) found a church home here. this was my second sunday to attend, my first sunday to play and sing with the worship team. and we met such opposition...bloody noses, spilled coffee, weird sound systems, awkward keyboards, everything seemed to go wrong. but we stuck it to the man and pushed through to worship. in the end, our community was stronger and more blessed in our perseverance together than we would have been had it gone smoother.

and the overwhelming theme of all of this? you just never know where you'll find yourself or what god might ask of you.

i hope you have gotten a sufficient glimpse of life around here recently. i'll try to write again as soon as i can, and remember, i'll see many of you in just a few weeks!

chau chau!

mexican summer

2010-02-19T23:29:00.000-08:00

this morning when i woke up, i was really excited to get into the city for my night out with friends. however, i was soon reading status updates, and found that there were bloqueos (blockades) in several places around quillacollo, the suburb we live just on the west side of. at first it seemed small. not a big deal. but upon reading the newspaper, los tiempos, i realized we're actually completely isolated out here under at least 20 points of blockade. we literally can not get into the city or out of here without driving through potato fields.

i started feeling pretty sorry for myself, thinking of ways i might get around it all. trying to bribe taxi drivers. trying to convince my family i could walk around the bloqueos. lol. no one ever said i wasn't stubborn. but in the end, someone, whose opinion matters greatly to me, told me it wasn't safe for me to go out today, and that i was acting like a spoiled girl. to my dismay, i think he was right. i know i can be kind of hard on bolivia sometimes...

that is why i want you to know some of the absolute best things about where i live, and why i know i am blessed beyond measure. i want to give you good news, and not complain. i want you to know that I LOVE BOLIVIA. even on the days when i feel like i hate bolivia, i love bolivia.
so here are some of my favorite things.

* santa rita trees. they grow along the tops of the walls that surround every house and yard in the city. each tree has a different and brilliant color of blossom, and they wind around and grow into and on all the parts of the walls, metal work, you name it. not to mention they have visciously awesome thorns that keep people from climbing the walls. i save a blossom color every time i see a new one. and each time i think, "only god could make a color like that..." beautiful.

* i can suddenly cook. i wouldn't believe it myself if i hadn't heard such amazing praises, watched the boys devour every last bit of their dinner and everyone else's, and eaten it myself. i can make cakes, cookies, banana bread, homemade pizza (dough and all), empanadas, any pasta dish you could imagine, and loads of other things! i guess necessity really is the mother of invention, and of accomplishment in this case :) and i know i must owe some of it to the altitude...

* dogs. i have two wonderful dogs here, and two adopted dogs in the city. sunset lives behind the house as our guard dog. on my worst and most lonely nights, i sit in her pen and she sits on my lap (she's a huge gigantic german shepherd, btw), licking my face and whining when i cry. manchas (spots in spanish) is our other dog. she roams about the grounds, keeping watch. she's also really big, like a big hunting dog, but she thinks she's a baby. she takes her responsibilities very seriously, however, especially where i am concerned. she escorts me to the road to meet the trufis and waits with me, standing guard by (on) my feet. she leads me by the hand and lectures me when i come home late at night, and she always runs circles around me when she sees me, even though she's quite old. lily and woody guthrie are my friend amy's dogs. no one on the planet earth is as excited to see me as they are when i show up at the house. guthro is a sweet little baby, who only wants to cuddle. lily is a pit bull boxer mix who also happens to be my favorite wrestling buddy. we're quite a sight :) she also thinks she's a lap dog, and often tries to climb onto our laps while we're eating breakfast. she gives great hugs, and a heck of a half nelson.

* trufis. yep, i said it. for one thing, it only costs 3 bolivianos to get into the city during the day. that's like....less than 50 cents! a lot less than driving. not to mention, even though it takes anywhere from 50 minutes to an hour and a half to get there, that's prime time for daydreaming and listening to the ipod. some of my favorite moments have been on trufis, riding home at night, listening to feist or radiohead, and seeing the city lights rush by. so much time to figure things out, dream about the future, and lots of time for god to mold me and shape me. in addition to alone time, a great number of my most fantastc human interaction stories have been on trufis. i've met mothers and helped them with their babies, old grandmas and paid for their rides, diagnosed illnesses, prayed for broken hearts, and even defended other women from abusers. some of my greatest ministry so far has been in trufis. go figure :)

* my family here. tomas and iris ortiz are the couple that run our guesthouse. tomas speaks brilliant english, which has been uber helpful when i can't accurately explain myself to iris or tia elsi. he's a bible traslator and also a youth worker at his dad's baptist church. he loves movies. we call him papa oso (papa bear). because, well, he never gets upset or irritated unless someone isn't safe. or maybe if that someone never came home one night and they didn't want to call and wake the house up to say they would stay in the city. ahem. no idea who that would be. *sheepish* iris is our mom. she is the most patient and kind person i have probably ever known. particularly when it comes to gringas butchering the spanish language. she's about my older sister's age so we have a great sister relationship. they have a 5 year old daugther, ester, who is the light of my life. i have just begun teaching her english and she's learning briliantly! tonight at dinner i asked her where her fingers were in english and she wiggled them and giggled like a crazy fiend. we also slay dragons, save baby dinosaurs, capture bad guys, and rescue bugs on a regular basis. we're due to have a new baby sister right before i leave to come home in december. i can't wait to meet her. they are naming her after me. brianna grace. humbling, to be sure. tia (aunt) elsi is here to help clean and cook while iris is pregnant. she is literally one of the best and strongest women on earth. i just wish you could know her...

* casablanca. this is my favorite coffee shop. the service is deplorable, the people that work there are often big pains in the bum (cold war gavin), and the coffee is only passable. the best in the city as far as i'm concerned, but that's not saying much. however. all this taken into account, there's something about that place that makes me settle and melt a little. it's safe to just, be. i can go there alone to write, read, listen to music. i can go there to meet people, and chat and have fun. i can go there with huge groups of friends and eat dinner and play cards. it doesn't matter a bit. and if i could transport a piece of the feeling i get at home when i am at mead's or the perk, i'd be able to find it there. that's it. it's a familiarity i couldn't have hoped for so far from home, until i can make my own :)

* colors. everything here is bright. when there are parades (and when aren't there, really :P) the costumes put everything i've ever seen or made to shame. huge twirling skirts of silk and damask and shining glittery sequins. bright furry heads and towering platform shoes. unbelievable. bright patterns hang from every window. each rug an intricate masterpiece. even the food is more colorful. it's easy to forget sometimes when you are used to seeing it after a while. but the colors and the passion are everywhere. these are a people who have chosen to really live. even when they seem to be in the most dire of circumstances. and when they smile, it lights up all of the surroundings. so beautiful.

* friends. i have the most amazing friends! first and foremost, ruth. i live with ruth. and almost daily we say to one another, "you know, if god hadn't put us both here together, i never would have made it." honestly, no one on earth knows my heart the way that ruth does. there's just something about going through something with someone. when this time has passed, i know there will be a sisterhood here that will last our whole lives. amy is the kindred other part of me. a sister i am so blessed beyond measure to spend some great times with. we watch serial killer shows, play with street kids, and eat vegetarian food, among various other things. and kimber and barb are constant sources of everything from love to knowledge, and from sympathy to shenanigans. we have some times. that's for sure :) kelly, jeanette, emma, fiona, and marisol make up the rest of that clan. of course, how could i forget alejandro. because of him, i have truly lived iin my time here so far. i would be hard pressed to find someone more generous and kind than he is. he gives me all these opportunities to be myself, and loves me in spite of and because of them. it doesn't matter if we're watching movies, waiting on a football game that's never broadcast, taking volunteers to the airport and making them late, or driving off to mysterious high places to see the city lights. i never want to be anywhere else but with him when i'm with him. because of ale, i get to have his best friend ivan as well. he very well might be one of the sweetest guys i've ever known. and funny too. great to practice spanish with since he speaks no english at all. except for one line, "are you talking to me??" lol. ale and i are planning ways to teach him english quickly :) believe me, i could go on....andrea, marcelo, ale vedia, patricia, savannah. so many blessings.

okay. that concludes this session of I LOVE MY BOLIVIA.

thank you so much for sending me here, praying for me, being here when i need you, and just generallyl being awesome. i hope you've gotten a little glimpse of my life from what i've written here.

goodnight :)

it must be night around where you are

2010-02-19T23:28:00.000-08:00

i wrote this in my journal earlier, and i wanted to share it with you.

right now i am sitting in casablanca, my favorite coffee shop. usually i am at home in my room when i write, but i guess i needed a change of scenery today. i left bible study this morning, brimming over and about ready to explode. i knew it was time.

i have to tell you, you don't know how many times i have given up this past week. i mean, really called it all in and layed down to face the end. lord knows i haven't been very faithful in my writing lately, mostly because i've been so turned inward. it was hard to see out. but i've decided, today it ends. today, i stand up and take posession of the victory that rightly belongs to me. to us.

the other day i was talking to a dear friend of mine. she asked how i was handling all the stess and loneliness. after a week of pain and confusion, and lots of death and worry.
this was my feeble, yet resolved response.

think of a rock. alone.
out about a mile or so off shore in the ocean.
i am perched precariously on this rock.
the storm is raging.
the wind is howling.
every little bit, the sea swallows it whole, trying to wash me over and drown me in myself.
my clothes are full of holes.
the salt burns my skin and my eyes.
but i plant my feet and scream defiantly into the gale.
"i will not be moved!"
no, damn it. i will not be moved.

take everything from me.
my friends, my family.
comfort.
strip me bare, leave me alone in the dark, with danger all around me and no way to protect myself.

i will still spit in the face of the devil.

i will stare him down and call on the sun to stand still in the sky. (joshua 10)
and my god will take care of the details. he will answer the repercussions.
because this world, this country, this city, my body, my family. they belong to him.

i will not be moved.

i am done being defeated.
i am done feeling unworthy.
i am done watching from the outside.
searching for the light meekly and in vain.

i woke up today a beaten woman.
i walked out of our prayer just now a warrior filled with passion.

here's the deal. the root of it all.
i want so desperately to be who he thinks i am.
and i have never even come close to trying.
honest. that's low down brutal honesty there.

but somebody needs to hear this.

i am who he thinks i am. we are. you are.

he brought me all the way here, planting provision in my every step. loving every stop along the way when i'd see a little piece of him and get it. just for a minute.

and if he would seek after me so relentlessly. me.
the most dreadful, useless liar.
an adulterer. the most unfaithful lover.
leaving deceit and pain in my wake.
lazy. cowardly, i could go on...
why in the world wouldn't you believe he'd come after you???

that's how i know. if it takes everything i have, every last breath, drop of blood.
every ounce of my strength.
i must believe him.
i have to.

i have to trust that who he is, is enough - more than enough - to cover my deception and defeat.

he can redeem even me. even you.
what's more, he wants to.

he must be god.

i was going to give up. not just give up being in bolivia. i don't know what i thought i would do.
but i felt finished.

and then i really felt it. the truth.
he will never give up.
i can never give up.

i'll leave you with some lyrics from a radiohead song (videotape) that's been pursuing me all day...

you are my center when i spin away.
no matter what happens now
i won't be afraid
because i know
today has been the most perfect day i have ever seen.

don't give up.

nocturne, taciturn, sojourn

2010-02-19T23:27:00.000-08:00

i know tonight is the night i should be doing this. it's just that...

most of me would rather be watching some nerdy overly dramatic historical movie and employing my greatest form of escapism, aka pretending i am not here. or anywhere for that matter. except exactly wherever i feel like dreaming i am. queen elizabeth I's court...wwII germany...india...
but alas, i am a slave to my conscience and it's time for another note.

i have been learning a lot this past week. i think i may have mentioned this line of thought to several of you before i even came here, but there's been a major theme for me lately, and it has corresponded with the events in the lives of many of my friends here as well.

we tend to hide our struggles. while the struggles themselves are great and formidable on their own, they are even more dangerous when the struggl-er is made to think that they alone are unable to keep up. two big problems that sort of chicken and egg each other, right?

i spend a good chunk of my free time with missionaries. many of them would rather not be called missionaries, largely due to the evangelistic implications that lie therein (which i will leave you to imagine on your own, lest i offend anyone). but nonetheless, here we all are. trying to show people, at the very base of it, what jesus has done in our lives, and how beautiful life can be when you have hope. and can you guess what the number one struggle is for us?

uselessness. feeling like we aren't doing anything. literally, across the board.

and it's almost humiliating to admit, even here, even now. one almost always feels pressured to account for every minute of his or her time, making sure everyone knows how hard they are working and all that they have accomplished. at the very least, there's a lot of self-justification that goes on, trying to reconcile what you would like to do, with what you can feasibly do. and telling yourself over and over that you'll do better and you'll do more when you can. some day you'll stop enjoying your life so much and settle down and be serious. get to work!

but no one talks about it. because it's so deeply embedded and such a very personal attack. and i am convinced, having prayed and railed against this for months and months, that the universal prospects of this situation make it most certainly a sneaky and evil lie from the pit of hell. we're being hoodwinked!

and what's more, many of you at home have been expressing these same doubts to me, about your own lives and ministries. so here we are tricked into being isolated by our own fear and unable to help one another because we can't bear to admit that we need help in the first place and we think no one else does. well, cue twisted sister. we're not gonna take it!

i want to tell you a quick story. it's about a guy who works in my favorite cafe. we're going to call him gavin, mostly because he looks startlingly like (a really skinny) gavin rossdale.

the first day i went to casablanca, gavin was there. he was obviously intrigued by my presence, since i don't blend in well, and to be honest, he doesn't exactly look bolivian himself. but i gave him the benefit of the doubt, or rather didn't give him much notice at all, until i realized that he was spending a great deal of time staring at me from behind the window. creeper.

about the 19th time i looked up from my gabriel garcia marquez book because i felt his eyes boring into me, i became exasperated, and asked the poor boy if he needed something. "you're not from here," he said, in staggering spanish. i was irritated. "no, i'm from africa." i sassed back in better spanish. he took the hint. no more creeping. until...

i came back again with some friends a few days later. we were talking and joking around. speaking english. like we do. gavin walked in circles around us never taking our order, for several minutes. it's not a big cafe, mind you. when he finally recognized us, he looked at me and said, "just coffee for you, i know." in perfect and quite defiant english. just like i had a feeling he would. call it a hunch. and that, my friends, is when the cold war began.

gavin and i began to do battle daily. how long would he make me wait before he'd ask what i wanted. and when he did come to my table, would he even look at me? or just wave his hand and refuse to speak. as if i were bothering him. and never again in english. i started to really hate seeing gavin when i walked in the door.

that is, until today. today i had a date with a gypsy girl i met yesterday. she was going to teach me how to make the bracelets they sell. yesterday she had been in dire need of someone to talk to. and you know me, i have a flashing neon sign above my head that screams "tell me your life story," right? so today, she came back, i bought her coffee, and gavin was our waiter. i guess he decided to be nice since she was there with me. no need to punish the innocent. even cold war gavin has morals.

after she left, i asked for another coffee. in english. i suppose i was feeling lighthearted and i wanted to see what he might do. his response shocked me.

he whipped a chair around, and sat down very close to me.
"what are you doing here?" (english) shocked? um, yes.
"i'm a hospital administrator in vinto. where are you from?"
"i'm from the middle east." non-specific. okay, cold war gavin. keep holding out.
silence.
"how did you end up here?" i ask.
"blessing, destiny i suppose." he smiles, and gets up.
"i am studying spanish at the university and i need to practice, so i work here. it helps a lot. how's your spanish?" he asks.
"horrible, can't you tell?" i say, laughing.
"no, i can't tell horrible spanish from regular. mine's bad too." ah, common ground.
now we're both laughing.
"i think we should practice together." his idea. and just like that, cold war gavin offers the cease-fire.

so, i accepted. gladly. it will be nice not to dread seeing his face when i want to have coffee. it was nice to spend the rest of the time smiling at him when he passed, randomly chatting about the other languages we speak or want to speak, and saying, "chau, nos vemos!" when i left instead of trying to get out while he was in the bathroom or something equally childish.

the thing is, we are actually allies, gavin and i. whose name is actually nima, by the way. we are both lost and trying to find our way in a strange country, away from everything and everyone we know. but because of a long list of assumptions made by each side, we have been practically shooting poisoned darts at one another for weeks. instead of finding solace in our similar situations. and because we thought it would be too hard or humiliating to admit these things to another person, we pridefully engaged each other in disdainful (if not halted) spanish conversation for much much longer than necessary.

here it comes.

that's kind of like how we struggle against ourselves and our perceptions of other people's work and ministry, and never take the time to speak it out and see who is really behind all the lies. crazy, huh?
we're letting him win.

but not today.
cold war gavin and i are having coffee next week.

score :)

borrowed light

2010-02-19T23:26:00.001-08:00

i am suddenly aware that lots of time has passed since my last note! i didn't realize just how long it had been, until i went to check something on an old post, and saw that even that last silly post was from almost 2 weeks ago.

epic fail in the update once a week department. guilty as charged.

things have been really interesting around here. i'm sure now that interesting is the best word for it. for the most part, i'm really just trying to settle in and figure out how to live here. the good news is, i'm actually getting really excited about the chance to make a life and be out on my own again. not long ago, i was almost certain that would not be possible. but the lord hears even our smallest and most seemingly insignificant requests and desires.

if you know me at all, you know that it would be a vast understatement to say that i am a little independent from time to time. i think the thing that was killing me most in the beginning was my inability to do anything without help. i couldn't really leave alone, and even if i did, how would i know where to go? what trufi to take? how to find my way back once i got to wherever it was i wanted to go. and what if i got lost? would my spanish be good enough to get me back home?

when i lived in wichita, i was always running about. scheduled down to the very last minute before i'd creep in to my sleeping house with my already sleeping family, and throw myself into bed exhausted. i love being able to decide where i'll go and what i'll do. i love choosing my own work and making my own appointments. i cut hair, give russian lessons, wait tables, and volunteer at my coffee shop. and at any moment, you could find me anywhere, any cafe or bar, with anyone. that's what cell phones are for. but here, even with a cell phone, i felt....trapped. after all, we live outside the city quite a ways. think.....goddard. not just in extreme west wichita....but not really justifiably in wichita at all actually.

to my great joy, i've been enjoyed a great burst of freedom lately. i suddenly developed nerves of steel and some mean spanish skills, and i started trying things alone. half way to bible study alone. meet a friend for lunch in a place i haven't been before from a direction i haven't come from before. getting lost and finding myself all in time to meet someone for coffee at a place i've never been. all the way to bible study alone. and finding my own favorite coffee shop from as many different angles and directions as possible. i even managed to make it to the irish pub on my own to meet my new friends, and never got lost once. i was early! shocking, i know...

but all these advances and victories, albeit small to those who know their way around here, have meant everything to me. it means that i really can do this job and be a grown up here. i really can start a business and have a life. i really can clean up my spanish and be fluent, communicating effectively and consisently. consistently being the key there, not only with brilliant flashes and great disasters. it means that i don't feel trapped anymore.

today nicole and i had a beautiful lunch with a friend, and some amazing coffee. then we walked around and found a great shady spot to watch the parade and drink tumbo juice. hours afterward, as we were leisurely searching for our trufi home, we picked flowers and talked about life and all kinds of things. tonight when we got home, i taught luis to play a song on the guitar in russian. then we wrote it in spanish too just for fun. and then in dutch. four languages if you count engllish, which i already knew. afterward, when everyone had gone to bed, i got a strange wild hair, and decided to make banana bread for the family. and for my bible study tomorrow too. and as i danced around the kitchen in my pajamas to over the rhine, and threw flour all over myself, the floor, and probably many other places to be discovered later, i couldn't help but smile. i'm so amazingly, gloriously free.

tomorrow i'll take my martha-stewart-quality banana bread to bible study, to which i will go alone, for the first time without help. i might meet a friend for lunch. i might stop to read for a while at my favorite cafe. i might dance with the gypsies again.

but whatever i do, i will enjoy it, and everything it means to really live.

in the spirit of three stars

2009-08-28T13:21:00.001-07:00

i've discovered that it's the days a person most needs to write, that they have the least patience and/or desire for it. yesterday would have been a great day to be honest about what happens to a person's mind and heart on the off days. i haven't been that unabashedly angry in a looooong long time.

a friend of mine said something brilliant when i was in the thick of my anger, unable to reach my mom, my best friends, my office at home...and he was the only person i was actually able to call. he said, "these people that frustrate you may love you, in fact, i know they do. but they are only people. you must continue on, being who you are and loving them knowing they are not, in the end, you. you know what your name is. you know you are."

wise advice. god brings me the best and most brilliant people, i swear.

all of the unpleasantness aside, the past few days have been full of new victories and discoveries for me. for instance, i have been taking trufis to meet people instead of having them pick me up, and i haven't made a mistake in almost a week! not to mention, there are the small things that are victorious for me.

today an abuelita got on the trufi with her nieta, and she only had 1 B for the ride, which costs 2 Bs. for them both. i wasn't going to give her mine, since i only had one, and only large bills after that. but i decided to swallow my fear. i asked the driver if he had change for a 20 Bs. bill....and when he said he did, albeit begrudgingly, i thanked him for helping us, and gave her my coin. she held my hand in her unwashed and sticky hand, and blessed me up one side and down the other. i could see that she was having problems with her eyes, and it appeared to me that it was a neurological deficiency of some sort (yeah, get me in with doctors, and you'll see me in medicine yet :) ). so she asked me where i was going, and i told her i worked at the hospital. she got really excited, and told me about her neurological difficulties (score, i got it on the first try!). she asked me all kinds of questions about her eyes and about when a doctor could see her. i gave her the name of our neurologist, who only comes twice a week, and told her to ask for me if she had any problems. she thanked me, kissed my hands, and then she said the strangest thing. she said, "thank you so much for not being afraid to love me." to be honest, i thought i might have gotten the translation wrong. but the longer she looked into my eyes, her eyes blinking and saturated with gratitude, the more i knew that she had meant precisely what she said.

that seems to be a theme for my ministry in bolivia. so many are so outcast by their own people.

you know, sometimes i can be pretty hard on myself, because i cannot yet do what i actually planned to do here. i mean, i can't do it right now. i am literally waiting around for my work to begin, for the lawyers to be freed up to help me start the paperwork for the coffee house. but the lord has continually given me the desire and resources to do more and better than i had ever imagined. the hospital is running more smoothly, the volunteers are happier, and we are steadily increasing our patient load. and all of this because i needed some things to occupy my time, and god saw fit to use me when i presented myself to him :)

aside from the hospital, my interactions with people have been astounding. yesterday i took the volunteers to the baby orphanage, casa de amor, and we helped with the end of dinner and some playing in the yard. when we arrived, i heard a little voice squeal, "tia!" which means "aunt" basically. its a term of endearment that children call elders, tia or tio. i looked down, and wouldn't you know, it was the little girl from my story a looooong time ago. i told a story last time about a little girl who had been found in a ditch and hadn't laughed or smiled, or even eaten since they'd gotten her (see buenos dias de vinto/quillacollo, bolivia!). but miracle of miracles, she remembered me! i kissed her so much i think she thought i would kiss her face off. and tears in my eyes, i looked at this sweet little one. she with a big attitude, and a very very smart little brain. and somewhere in my mind and heart, as i write this now, i feel the words, "thank you so much for not being afraid to love me."

and when i spend time with these wonderful guys, that have completely captured my heart and taught me so much about goodness and love. when i feel god's provision in their presence in my life and see the blatant fruits of the holy spirit so evident in their daily lives...
and i hear the stories of how "christians" have mistreated them and outcast them. basically informed them of their "final destination", my heart breaks. and i want to protect them ferociously. because god is searching for them. pursuing them. wooing them steadily. he told me so.

he is not the god of religion, the god of ceremony and lists, the god of just making it by to a state of acceptability (and not burning). he is the god of the universe. he god of every heart. bigger and infinitely more good and gracious and wise than we could conceive of. loving us, pursuing us, wanting to be with us. and all of that in spite of our rejection of his love. THAT is a god that i can't help but fall on my face in front of. because as much as my heart breaks and yearns for the beautiful souls around me, he is the creator of that heart. of those feelings. he IS that love. unfathomable!

and that is the god that i struggle to reflect. that is why i am not afraid to love them. any of them. what am i but a poor and miserable facsimile of my creator. my lover. my greatest desire.

and so, for now, i will meet my random little old man friend to practice english. and i'll wait for the abuelita with the neurological problems to come to me and bless me again with her sweet smile and her beautiful little dirty hands. and i'll let ale and marcelo take me out to dinner and to watch movies and football, and spend some good quality time with them so that they'll know that i really love them. no matter what. and i'll hug those babies. tight, tight. and fill them up with attention and security. because every moment counts when you're little.

thank you for participating in this ministry with me. thank you for praying and supporting and loving me. your love is what fills me up to overflowing so that i have it to give. such abundance.

unfathomable.

look at the stars

2009-08-13T23:33:00.001-07:00

well....
like it or not, i'm awake right now. brain...sheesh.

so i decided to heed my mother's request and write something to help you all get a better picture of what it's like here.

every day i...
wake up to an acapella version of the mission impossible theme song aka my phone alarm (thanks, celo)
make my bed and put my owl on top so he can look at me.
pull on my hair so it will grow faster :)
kiss people hello and goodbye (i know, right?! who of you can picture me doing that!)
sit in my office and get falsely greeted by countless people "buen dia doctora!" (doctora...pft)
eat peanut butter toast, just like in the states. (chris and tasha, tell ester :) )
walk miles and miles.
play with my gorgeous and highly misunderstood german shepherd, sunset.
get a hundred slobbery kisses for "tia brianna" from a beautiful little 5 year old.
epic fail at speaking spanish. and succeed 50 times for each fail.

i also have a rich random life from time to time...
i buy flowers often. and arrange them to put on our dining room table.
i occasionally dance around to jack johnson and the beatles and attempt to help the brits cook.
we go to different places to eat all the time just to try things.
i walk around gardens and take pictures of flowers to put on the wallpaper of my cell.
i feed street dogs my leftovers, and watch little boys juggle knives at stop lights.
some days i drive ester to school.

today we went to a museum and a palace. i got to see stuffed animals (taxidermy, silly) and cases of bugs and butterflies and huge condors hanging about randomly. and then i went into a palace and walked down the gallery of an ornate italian inspired ballroom. i looked into the perfectly preserved faces of angels painted on the vaulted ceilings. and i have never seen french damask silk on walls like i saw it today. sigh. look up palacio de portales. beautiful. i spent some time talking to the girl who guided our tour of the gardens and palace. she was an amazing person, very concerned with helping people and the greater good. and it's highly possible i'll get more opportunities to talk with her, as there will be many arts events at the palace in the future that i plan to attend. her dream since she was 7 was to be a museum curator and guide. what an interesting soul! she also gave some glowing reviews of our hospital and what she'd heard about it, which was perfect encouragement after the past few days we've had.

i wish i could show you the flowers that grow on and hang down off of the trees. i wish you could see the always warm faces of the people, and my random chosen reactions to their nearly constant staring. i wish you could see how dirty my feet get when i go walking about in the city with flip flops on. i wish you could come to la cancha, the market place, and see the fabrics, skirts, and pirated dvds hanging from the tent flaps. i wish you could taste mandarin fanta, and sugar cane freshly cut. i wish you could meet my church kids and see how strong and amazing they already are in their faith at such young ages, and trash talk them in spanish as you're playing boys against girls water games at youth group. and most of all, i wish you could feel these things. because even if i had pictures, which i never make the time to take, it wouldn't even scratch the surface.

so let me know if you can see it. even just a little. and picture me there in your mind. i don't miss my old life as much as i once did. what a blessing.

i really do have a beautiful home.

red right ankle

2009-08-07T07:03:00.000-07:00

things have just been crazy! sorry it's taken so long for me to write something...

to begin with, the trip here....
i got delayed in wichita like a long time...and chose to fly to dallas and stay the night there courtesy of american airlines. i was a little panicked because my cell phone had been turned off already, and i didn't have any way to get a hold of anyone who i knew to spend time with there. but i did finally get megan to come (thanks for the help, marynell!) and we had a glorious time. god really gave me a gift in those hours, just settling me down and giving me some perspective. we went to her work, drove around looking at big pretty houses, pretended to be rich people at anthropologie, ate pasta at a really cool new place, drank coffee at starbucks, and hung out at a really cool organic food market. then i came back to the hotel (so tired, no sleep for days before i left) and ate my amazing fruit from the market and watched cartoons until i fell asleep. the next day, i flew to miami. i met a few other missionaries on the flight, which was really cool! one girl was a bolivian who was coming home from a mission trip here, and we got some good fellowship in. also, i met some other american missionaries living here in coch, so it will be wonderful to get to know them more.

when i finally arrived in santa cruz (the miami-santa cruz flight being delayed 5 hours or so) i realized that my luggage was not with me. gross. but i had no time to do anything but sleep for 3 hours and get back to the airport. so i went ahead and flew to coch without it, and began the grueling process of hounding the airline for my stuff. here comes the hard part...

i got RIDICULOUSLY homesick almost immediately upon arriving in cochabamba. i think it was partly because i was so blasted tired. and my clothes were 3 days dirty and so traveled in. and i was thinking about dan and jessica and rosie. and josh's birthday party. and all the other things i wanted so badly to be around for that were so much a part of my life just a few hours before. but i also recognized satan's trick and tried to battle it as much as i could with my tired and lowered defenses. in addition to all that i was dealing with leaving behind, i felt strange and outside the group of volunteers here. even when my luggage finally did get here, and we got the car parts out of customs, i didn't really have anything to do for work yet, and spent the majority of my time wandering about, trying to figure out what everyone was doing. but soon that would change...

we had a power outage at the hospital and the guest house, and someone died in the hospital. i knew immediately that i was supposed to be right there dealing with it, since i'm sort of responsible for making sure everything runs correctly here in the absence of mike. not really sort of. i am supposed to be responsible for all that. so i had to go. and it was a huge HUGE wake up call. tomas got me up and going, and now i'm running full speed ahead. so that has been helpful in working out the "floating about aimlessly." who knew i would ever be responsible for administrating a hospital. god is just so freaking funny.

but to back track a little, there are lots of other things that have been so blessed and helpful. right after i got here, i got back into contact with andrea wilson, a missionary from wichita who lives here with her family, and she took me around to some things and got me involved in a bible study. it was so helpful, just talking about my struggles with integration and all that, and all the while her knowing just what i was feeling. i can't wait to see how god uses our relationship. she's getting me involved in lots of wonderful things with the girls orphanage, and a young adult group that will be meeting on sunday nights. she also helped me get a cell phone, which has been very helpful already. i feel a lot less trapped with a way to communicate if i get lost or separated.

i also really feel like i've connected with the volunteers really strongly. even the ones that just left on saturday. chris, jamie, marissa, and i had some times. oh boy did we have some times :) and i already miss them terribly. but i may see at the very least marissa at urbana in december, so that's a really great thing to look forward to.

i have also gotten to spend some time with marcello, one of the doctors at the hospital that's about my age, and his friend alejandro. i met marcello last time, but i wasn't here long so it's been nice to see him again. ale and marcello have helped me stay sane (which would be REALLY funny to you, if you knew them :) ) and made me feel a lot more at home. there's so much comfort in the small stuff. we walk around in the market and eat ice cream, and go for rides in ale's car and listen to good music. and they are just regular, funny guys, like the ones i hang out with at home. something i didn't know i would need, and such a blessing anyway.

and with all of that, i'm really starting to get comfortable in my spanish. granted, there will always be room for improvement, but i can go around by myself without messing it up too badly, and iris and i are able to say pretty much all we need to now without huge hiccups. soon i'll be driving too, so that will help even more.

all this to say...

every little bit, i remember what i am missing out on at home, and how much i miss all of you. sometimes the pain of it is so acute that it brings tears to my eyes. however, i keep the middle of december in the back of my mind and heart. and i try desperately to live every moment of every day and enjoy it for all the joy and beauty it has to offer. this place is amazing. truly my second home.

thanks so much for your support and prayers. and keep praying! there's a lot to do around here, and i definitely need god's grace and power to even begin to accomplish any of it.

i will write again soon. at least by next monday.

love you guys!!!

upon abandoning a sinking ship...

2009-07-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

okay so maybe not sinking....

everything in my life is about waiting right now. waiting and balance.

recently, day after day, i worried and wasted away, wondering what to do about money and my car, and pining away for friends and family. as if july 30th would be the end of my life.

a lot of things have potentially been the end of my life. but if there's one thing god has revealed to me, and hammered into my brain really, it's that time will always pass.

the test will happen, whether you are there to take it or not. and you will not die if you do not take the test. or if you do and you do not do well, the time will pass. you might not graduate on time, but you will not die.

your would-have-been wedding date will come and go. you will or will not get married. and you will not die. either way.

on thursday i will move to bolivia. i will come back to visit no earlier than december. i might be in bolivia for the majority of the next 2 years. and even if i die, it will not be because i moved to bolivia. it will probably be chagas from beetle poop. (is it wrong to laugh when i write that? :) )

these are things i want you (and myself) to know.

i will miss you dreadfully from time to time, and cry when i look at your pictures. i will freak out when i don't hear any english around me for days at a time, and stop speaking altogether for a while. i will take the wrong trufi, be late for important meetings, and screw up paperwork. i will hide in my bed some days because i can't take one more moment of feeling like a walking freak show with my red hair, pale skin, and "evil blue eyes." i will forget things that i swore to remember, i will get sick and want my mom. and it is all but guaranteed that i will disappoint others and myself. but that's definitely not all...

i will make an impression on someone's life that changes the way they see god and his love. i will wait faithfully for provision and peace in all decisions i make. i will have a positive impact on the people i do business with, which will cause them to reevaluate the way they treat others in business situations for the rest of their lives. i will live with the most integrity and honesty that i can manage as a flawed human, and carry truth, love, and forgiveness to ridiculous lengths. i will learn to see what others see, what god sees, when i look at myself, and struggle daily to understand the glorious responsibility it is to be a human entrusted with so much, and so incapable of accomplishing it alone.

every week i'll write a blog post. not sure what day yet, but it will be more scheduled than it has been in the past for sure. keep checking on me. i can't wait to show you the things around me with my words.

and please think of me. at shows where i would have sat in the front and cheered you on. or where i would have been sitting on stage at the piano, singing and feeling at home. and in church with my eyes closed and my shoes off, waiting for a breath of the spirit. at your house, washing your dishes, sleeping on your couch. hugging your kids and cheering them on for going potty. teaching from john. reading bridal and garden magazines while i wait for you in barnes and noble. i'll always be there. you just won't see me :)

you guys are my world. you are the fruits of the gifts god has given me. and i know you believe me when i say that i love each of you so individually.

peace.

they were once at peace

2009-07-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

at 5 o'clock this morning i was awake.
i will leave it up to you to decide whether it was awake again or awake still.

i sat barefoot and cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor in front of the big picture window with all the lights left off. the only illumination was that of the moon shining on my face, legs, and arms, and in a pool around me made by the open drapes. i sat there in my black dress, staring past the colored glass vases on the floor sill, watching the river rolling and tossing with the breeze. everything was completely quiet and for a moment there was not one distraction in the world as far as i could see or experience.

whatever it is that one claims to be thinking at a time like this, i have come to recognize the distinct absence of anything concrete. the mind drifts and tosses like the water. sort of bleeding from thought pool to thought pool, often with strong undercurrents of connection between them. my undercurrent last night was the idea of misapprehension.

i've been reading this beautiful book by the current dalai lama (one of the best and greatest humans currently residing on this earth, in my humble opinion), exploring the origins and outcomes of negative and positive emotion. it seems that misapprehension (ignorance, misunderstanding, unnecessary exaggeration) is what causes a positive (or neutral) emotion to become negative. to take this a bit further and give a practical example, our misapprehension of another person's motives and thoughts can lead to vastly unpleasant situations and heaps of negative emotion. gross.

i've admittedly misapprehended much in my life. in fact, i am usually pinning my ideas on others of how they are feeling and what they are thinking. and as i sat there on the floor in the darkest of dark, i waited for the water to show me why i do what i do. i don't know what i thought i would see. but not much else in life has caused me more trouble than my inability to see things as they really are.

i think my lama is right when he says that the key to controlling negative emotion is understanding the discrepancies between who we think we are and who we really are. i truly believe that embracing as much reality as we can grasp and constantly remembering our inherent misapprehension of the intricacies of others' hearts and minds can free us from the recurrence of these situations that so often derail us.

what did i see in the water? the moon. and a little bit of bittersweet sadness that life isn't always what we want it to be. things and people pass. money and time run out. our hearts are handed back to us, sometimes a little worse for the wear.

but at the base of all of it, we have a strong and abiding undercurrent.

hope.

new ends. new beginnings. unseen and unforeseen blessings.

maybe i'll see you at 5 o'clock.

do me a favor...

2009-06-24T12:08:00.000-07:00

imagine me here. if i could put a little "x" right in front of the lady with the lavender pants (where is my suzanka when i need her??) that is where
i'd be.

if i had the money.

if i had the time.

if i took things into my own hands and ignored god's will and calling.

i used to live somewhere near here. i used to take it for granted. there are things you should know. i want to tell you a story, one of times i don't talk about anymore.

one night, probably around 11 or 11:30, i was walking home by myself. i was basking in some much needed alone time, following a bad bout of culture shock. people staring, whispering in russian.

i had been at our flat near pushkinskaya cleaning and preparing to move in our next group of americans. knowing full well that it was dangerous for me to be out so late alone, i had lost all track of time, enjoying the moment of preparation and nesting, getting food put away neatly and clean sheets on all the beds. i can be so domesticated at times :)

i knew the bus routes and the metro stops instinctively, so i was taking my time, looking around and falling ever more in love with this beautiful city of my heart. a babushka stopped me asking for money. she was selling daisies, a favorite of mine, so i bought some to bring back to lenuchka for letting us stay at her flat while we prepared ours. and flowers cost practically nothing. i was thinking about finding some sort of surprise gift for jeremy and amy, who had stayed behind that day to get ready for camp. gifts are my love language toward others, and it was easy to give to my heart's content because of all the little stands and peddlers along the way to things.

walking past a little cafe, i stopped to watch inside. as i was standing there, holding my daisies, i suddenly felt small and very young. a man was coming out. he wore a striped shirt and a funny hat. he had smart plastic framed glasses and a greying beard. his huge bushy eyebrows shook like little caterpillars crossing over his eyes.

as if time were standing still, frozen for just a moment, i stood in my spot and gazed up at his weathered face. he smiled warmly, reached out, and put his rough hand on my cheek (which i would never normally tolerate). "my little one" he said, in a lazy belarussian accent, and patted me on the head. "so beautiful, my little one."

i rode the rest of the way home with a strange smile glued to my face. i couldn't read, or knit. i just existed, so completely safe and cared for. i didn't notice anyone else or anything else. and i've never forgotten a stitch of that moment as much time has passed since.

god cares for me in the funniest ways. i've seen him in that man, one warm island in a city full of nightly drunks and woman abusers. in a little old chinese woman sitting with me in the sidewalk when i was lost in chicago. in a tiny baby at an orphanage in quillacollo that reminded me of god's plan for me. in a huge black man with a god stocking hat, holding me and letting me cry when my car was broken into in kcmo.

so i pray that he sees fit to continue to visit me.

james dean

2009-06-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

tonight i did something rare and very special.

i rode around in my friend's car with my feet hanging out the window.

it was dark, and we had the music on so loud. matthew was driving, and katie and i were putting our heads out the windows and catching the wind with our faces and our hair and our hands.

the humidity made it feel like we'd gone swimming. swimming all around the highways at night, passing people and laughing and singing. our faces warm from wind burn and happiness. and every cop we passed made us feel dangerous and free. like they couldn't catch us even if they wanted to.

and as we got farther and farther from all the lights and sounds, feet sprawled out on the dashboard, the stars exploded around us in time with radiohead...you are all i need. and we sighed deeply, in unison.

those small things are the things that i will miss most and treasure so closely when i'm away. i'll have new sorts of romance and drama. stories involving crazy trufi rides, birthday parties with pinatas, new babies being born into our family, and misspeaking spanish hilariously (i've got juice in my shorts!!!) ...

but there is no substitute for perfect comfort and contentment with the families we've made for ourselves.

hang your feet out the window. you'll understand, i know it.

and really bad eggs...

2009-06-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking about contentment. what makes us "happy".

happy is such a fleeting feeling. it's so temporary, so transient. and it comes from such small things so much of the time.

but i am sitting here wondering why i am not always content. you know, the deep abiding happiness. the kind that feels warm and full even when you step in dog poo and have to push your own car up a hill as people drive by and honk. yeah.

i am so loved.
i am completely free.
i am always provided for.

a song that fits so perfectly into my soul that it molds into my bones and becomes me. a cup of coffee in front of me, and the blessed money to buy it. a bright and romantic future full of adventure and the freedom to chase it furiously. and those are just the big things...

i was genuinely smiled at by a stranger. there's a bird with purple wing feathers on the railing outside. i feel comfortable in my own skin, just for a moment.

i don't mind when people say that i see things with "child-like wonder". because when i lose my awe and wonder i wilt. i feel like i was made to reflect the grandiose, the glorious. the seemingly insignificant things that surround us.

i like to think it's charming :)

i wish you to really see the things around you. contentment is so very possible.

jumbly hot mess of ridiculous

2009-06-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

you know how people use the symbol keys to cuss when they don't want to actually write the word? well if this makes any sense...i feel like a jumble of those symbols all together. not with the cussing, per say, just agitated and explicit. i'm feeling explicit.

!@^#!@%^! <-- me

the # feels particularly applicable i suppose. sharp and serious. cross, if you will.

my brain is about to overthrow me, i think. maybe have a recount or just a whole new election (iran, you feel me, right?) (which would make me mahmoud ahmedinejad). (inappropriate over-use of ( )'s) ((( y) ) ((e) ) (s??))

listening to keren ann can only make you so calm, before you begin to resent the beauty of it all. here you are, stewing in a giant vat of ugly, and keren ann has the nerve to croon lovely melodies and catchy chord progressions in your ear. there's something oddly juxtaposed about all of it. but maybe that's how my heart hasn't jumped out and flopped about all nimbly-bimbly on the floor yet. she's lowering my blood pressure.

i sometimes forget that the whole world doesn't know how important i believe every detail of my life is. so when i'm going through something traumatic and staring down a harsh and complicated future, and someone doesn't afford me the appropriate courtesy, i tend to want to snap their head off and play soccer with it.

unfair as it may seem, since this person clearly had no idea how upset i already was, i still had to restrain a POWERFUL urge to rain down the fire of heaven on the head of said person, and remove the bowels with my pinky nail and a hammer.

now do you see why my brain is about to institute a mutiny? when did i ever feel homicidal to the point of bowel removal???

lord preserve my sanity, as i make entirely too big of a deal out of small things, and worry fruitlessly about them until their arrival.

and to you in iran, stick it to the man!!!

badanas (2 year-old for bananas)

2009-06-04T09:22:00.001-07:00

this morning i woke up extra early, all by myself. no alarms, didn't get to bed early last night, just ready to be up and around. besides, natasha and the kids were there and i don't get to see them nearly enough. it's funny to live with people and never see them.

it's funny to live with people and miss them when you're in the same house.

if you read this, family, i miss you.

i find myself doing this a lot. i would rather leave a message for someone than talk to them. they might be sitting 6 feet from me and if i can't get up the nerve to say something, i'll email them. from 6 feet away. i'm not saying this has happened before, maybe...
okay it might have happened before.
maybe.

it's just that i am scared of talking to the people i care the most for sometimes. and usually it's when i most need to talk to them that i decide i can't make myself do it. and computers are sooooo easy to hide behind.

so i've decided to start a list of things i would or should say but i'm too scared.
nothing too big. just a beginner list.

and when i grow a pair, i'll write it here :)

time for lunching. avacado and mango...mmmmmmm

ketchup, get it???

2009-05-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

well, it's been a couple of months, and neither of them the least bit uneventful, i might add.

i'm living in south wichita now, with two of my favorite friends, and couple of sweet kids. great kids. they light up my entire day, even when they're being ornery. and boy can they be ornery.

i love not being alone. i love that chris brings home the best music from the library. i love that i get to do natasha's hair and help her pick out clothes. and when ester helps me put on my make up in the morning and "brush" my hair. i love it when justice is sleepy and just lays his head lazily on my shoulder in the morning before his nap, staring out the window.

if you don't have a family, you should look into finding one. sometimes the best ones just appear :)

i've been pulled in so many directions these past few weeks. just feeling really lost and out of control. my life seems to be scheduled down to the half hour by everyone else's needs and desires, and i get to decide occasionally if i would rather do what they want or make them angry and hide. so this morning i hid.

i woke up leisurely, to a text from a friend who had imbibed a little extra last night, to put it delicately. she remembered seeing me. gosh, i miss her. then i put on some sweats, and emerged into the pre-wedding craziness in the living room. love it :)

after pulling little pre-chewed pieces of apple out of ester's hair, rescuing justice from the potty stool, flipping natasha's hair out with the straightener, and finally locating the overwhelmed and hiding kinley (dog), my family left for the wedding. god speed.

now i am blissfully stationed at the kitchen table. still in my pajamas at noon fifteen. eating peanut butter toast, drinking bolivian coffee, listening to wilco, and watching the birds out in the back yard. little red flowers are waving randomly in the grass, and the wind is just cool enough that i am contemplating whether or not i can get away with a scarf today.

this is the perfect remedy for what ails me. whatever it is, it doesn't stand a chance this morning. all that's left is for me to get showered and dressed, and head up to watermark books to begin replenishing the parched wasteland that is my brain.

mmmmm.

webster: blog edition

2009-03-12T22:10:00.001-07:00

quiet: what happens when you give all your noise makers away.

missing: your television. that you never realised you actually cared about until it was gone...

swiggety-sweet: stealing internet from your neighbor on your friend's computer so that you don't go crazy with the quiet and the missing.

one-eyed jake

2009-03-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

i'm sitting at mead's. my beautiful coffee shop. the one of my dreams. the one i waited for. put my whole heart into.

what really brings me to tears is the art hanging on the wall. this place of beauty and quiet and coffee noise and chatter and music has a soul. and the painting looking at me is an old man. with one eye (that you can see). i've decided to call him jake. i feel like he told me that is his name.

he likes it here. so do i. jake and i like a lot of the same things. he likes the wall too. i always loved that wall.

every day i see something else that's new that i love. every time i look up, i take a picture with my eyes and try to memorize the parts that resonate so with my heart. this reflection of god's gentle plea...his invitation to wichita to spend some time in a place dedicated to his glory.

and let no one ever say this place was not born of his glory.

to me, this is beauty. but a lot of things are beautiful.

like the feeling you get when you see tears and you can bring a smile.
like when you realize that you really really love somebody.
like the feeling in your heart when you know god's heart and see who HE thinks you are.

i felt those today.

i made helen smile. someone i really really love gave me a suitcase. and i saw myself in a mirror (my mortal enemy) wearing the dress for the banquet and lost my breath at the sight of god's glory.

have a beautiful day.

slacker...

2009-03-02T10:14:00.001-08:00

new music thursdays thus far:

zero 7 - in the garden
listen to the entire album. it's amazing.
cash it in and throw it all away....

and...

trespassers william - having
my favorites are "and we lean in", "ledge", "hands up", and "what of me".

enjoy!!!

new music thursday

2009-02-17T08:28:00.000-08:00

because thursday just isn't that fantastic of a day all by itself.

be prepared...it's coming!

the pageant of the bizarre

2009-02-11T09:31:00.001-08:00

i was listening to a song this morning. one of those good ones you find on your ipod and didn't even know you had. the one you put on repeat and listen to all morning.

yeah. you know what i mean.

there's something about it. the awkward accordian music. the synthesizers. the words that seem to describe exactly how you feel about yourself and your life in general.

it brought me to place i only see inside myself. i can't go there. i can't accurately describe to you what it would look like in real life. i can tell you how it feels.

odd.

the smells and the sights. the strange lighting and beautiful awkwardness of the setting. it's damp. and greenish gray. black. everything is old. and while it seems scary and morbid it's actually the most comfortable place i've ever known. lace and spiders and torn clothing. and loneliness. good, deep, self-sustaining loneliness.

kind of like a haunted house without the haunting and only i am there.

i like that place. and i can't avoid the fact that i'll never be full of hearts and flowers. the music of my soul will always be in a minor key. my head will always be full of metal and holes. i'll always have writing on my body.

and i'll never have non-descript blonde hair.

crosshairs

2008-12-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

my joy is to rediscover who i am.
my joy is to decide for myself what i will be.
where i will go.
what i will do.

i feel wide-eyed.
the excitement is mixed with an overwhelming dread.
a healthy dread.
the dread of a woman with nothing and everything to lose.

but my true joy is in the constant.
for the first time in my life, some things are constant.
i have a church.
i'm friends with my family.
i have a home (it's too expensive, but i'm in love with it).
i have friends that want to keep me.
god and i have agreed to stay together. this time for keeps.

i exhort you to find joy in your constants.
excitement in your knowns.

the hard is what makes it great...

2008-11-30T13:52:00.000-08:00

i think that learning how to really love someone as in for the long haul is hugely difficult.

i mean, i guess you already knew that. but in all seriousness, it's an amazing, beautiful, joyful, difficult, painful thing.

and i just realized that it goes on like this forever. this is what it means to really love a person.

also, on another note, did you ever feel like everything that came out of your mouth was dirty socks?

i feel a lot like that lately. dirty socks running rampant. not bad words, not hateful talk, not discouragement, but nasty dirty socks. necessary and useful (or at one time useful) but unpleasant. and ill-timed. and inappropriate in delivery and substance.

clumsy. bumbling. laborious. naive. childish.

this is how i feel about my dirty socks mouth today.

but i'll make it better. i promise.

seems like i have a history of this cycle. i feel like an israelite.

watch i'm gone...

2008-11-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

like an acrobat.

wow. what if god told you to do something crazy?

i'm nervous....

images of broken light

2008-11-11T13:28:00.000-08:00

pleasant things:

-reading a good book
-taking a bath
-wearing a warm and snuggly sweater that fits perfectly
-talking to a friend
-letting your heart flutter just a little (even though it's a bad idea generally)

cute things:

-a friend speaking with the blush of adoration of her husband of 13 years
-someone nervous to talk to me, trying to get my attention
-little old men with u.s. navy hats and tobacco pipes
-pig tails

and in the words of levi:
rude is bad, penguins are good.
amen.

we'll build us a home out of packaging foam...

2008-11-10T08:41:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking about birds lately. i have one. he's precious.

i mean, i've even gotten used to his twirtling and scuffling about in the morning. he's a very nice alarm clock. he likes to wake up about 30 minutes before i need to.

earlier this week was hard. i am out of money. O-U-T. and i ran out of bird seed too! so i was thinking about this little bird. my baby. reliant on me for everything, toys, food, water. he loves music. i love to hear him talk. but i decided to use what little money i did get on myself. and then there are the times when i just plain forget to take care of him.

it makes me think of being in love. sometimes, one person is the human, and the other person is the bird. i tend to be the bird.

okay, i usually end up being the bird.

the bird relishes every bit of attention. the bird waits all day long for some notice or acknowledgement from the person.

fluff the feathers.
dance around with music.
show off.
beg for the object of affection to watch.

you didn't feed me. you forgot my water for days. but all i want is you to sit by me for a little bit and notice me.

i'm only a bird, but i'll defend you. i'm jealous. i don't trust them.

but you i love.

here's the question. why do we let them cage us?

thought of the day #247

2008-10-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

i like old men. they are cute. as heck.

fuzzy, sweet, coffee-smelling, glasses-wearing heck.

i decided (not at all in a creepy way) that i would rather be in love with an old man at this point. they are nice. they are calm. they are wise. they are patient. plus, i could borrow their sweaters. and they would buy me hot chocolate.

generalizations, all.

tell me, what do you think of that?

edit: i don't want to be in love with an old man. i want him to be my grandpa. that would be cute. i like them because they're cute. i do not want to make out with them.

on hiatus?

2008-10-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

well. it's been a while.
i'll tell you why.

i've waited because it's cold.
because i'm too poor to even pay attention.
because i'm busy.
because i'm sick.

because...
i...
can't.

because i'm lost. are you lost?
maybe if i were lost with someone instead of by myself...

i seem to have misplaced my hope in christ and the good of mankind.

*now taking applications for someone to be lost with* (no prior experience necessary)

après moi le déluge...

2008-10-07T08:17:00.000-07:00

so the funny thing is, stevie ray and i were driving through a HUGE puddle last night in one of the lulls during the rainstorms.

he was proving to me that driving quickly through them is the way to get to the other side. much more effective than going slowly and dying out in the middle. floating downstream and crashing. horrible. flames. waves. water everywhere. blood. okay, maybe not blood.

so we made it through on the way to the store to buy dinner, and it was way fun. glorious good times. on the way home, to see how far the water had gone down, we took 13th again. upon re-entering the puddle pond, we were full speed ahead when we spotted the car coming from the other direction. the driver's side window was down!!!

we watched in horror as our truck threw a giant tsunami of water directly into the gaping window of the other driver. and then....

LAUGHTER! holy moses. that was beautiful.

driving away, i couldn't help but wonder...did that person complain and whine about getting wet? probably. realistically though, when one drives through a puddle pond into oncoming traffic with the window down, what right does one have to complain about the water thrown at them?

a commentary on life and human behavior perhaps?

disgusto robusto - the saga continues!

2008-10-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

so, disgusto is rearing his ugly head again.

actually, to be truthful, his head is not ugly. he's quite normal looking. the head just seems ugly when it's following you around and saying inappropriate things without warning after a week of silence.

a new level of inappropriate. that is what we have reached.

i'm blushing in anticipation of what i will report to you. which could be proof of it's severity. or of my prudish nature. or both (?)

to preface this, i will say that if you really knew me, you'd know that i sometimes (okay, usually) say suggestive or provocative things without realizing it. i like to think of it as charming naivety, but for some it has been a source of frustration, and often leads to miscommunication. particularly with the opposite sex.

so my facebook status said i was flushed and fluttery. speculation was widespread and diverse as to why. i was completely unaware of what i had implied. but disgusto's response to said status report was the most interesting and subsequently inappropriate of all, making me oh-so-aware of exactly what i had said.

to sum it up: "you know, i could make you flushed."

well alrighty then. gulp.

sparing you the gory details, and my need to stop crawling out of my skin, i'll let your imagination run with this. it was a 20 minute, one-sided conversation.

SO...how much do you love the new season of the office already??? (avoid...)

Temporal Mandibular Joint DISASTER

2008-09-24T12:04:00.001-07:00

so, i have these questions, and i want you to consider them carefully.

how important is your jaw to you?

do you take good care of it?

would you let a stranger just go and break it?

do you not really think of your jaw...until it speaks up?

i was one of those who didn't pay much attention, until the day my jaw let me know just how important it was to my happiness and well-being.

and now my my temporal mandibular joint is waging war with the right side of my head. this isn't the first time, but it might be the worst time thus far.

so love your jaw with all your might. and let not the doctor break it for $15,000 and slap braces on your face.

because seriously. $15,000?

presto!

2008-09-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

these past few days i've been noticing something.

every time i'm making a decision about where to go. something as small as where to hang out, where to meet someone, what to do with a few minutes of free time... i've done what i didn't initially want to do and it's ended up meaning something incredible.

for example, i wanted to go to starbucks the other night and play cards. instead, my friend wanted to go see her boyfriend, so we went to barnes and noble waaaaaay out east. we ran into these guys that are friends with someone who was with us, i started talking to one of them, and ended up knowing exactly what to say, what to give him to read, and how to understand him in a way that only a fellow music major, accomplished musician, and friends university student (former in my case) could. not to mention, someone had told me the exact thing that i needed to tell him, when i was exactly his age, and in the exact same situation. talk about amazing.

now, you would assume that the following explanation might ensue: god is directing my steps. he is leading me to the situations and conversations that i need to have. he is putting me in people's lives that need to be spoken to through my experience.

okay.

but instead, it kind of freaks me out. i'm not gonna lie.

because let's be honest (well, okay, i'll be honest, maybe you're cooler than me and you don't feel this way) even if my brain knows some schpiel about god and providence, my actual consciousness doesn't know what the crap is going on when things like this happen. it's like a magic trick. i'm in awe. i don't understand. i didn't expect it, even though i went to the magic show. the trick begins, i know what's going to happen, i'm anticipating the end, and to my great shock and surprise, there's the bloody rabbit, and my mouth is hanging open. how did he do that? where did that rabbit come from? holy crap, that's impossible!

didn't i go to the magic show just to see that?

why is my skin all goose-bumpy?

insanity: doing the same things over and over expecting different results.
ridiculousness: repeating futile and illogical sequences of behavior.
insane ridiculousness: "knowing" god's providence in your life and still being genuinely surprised every time an amazing incident occurs (even though i asked for it, and waited for it, and expected it).

or maybe i'm the only one.

karma's a bone-breaking bitch

2008-09-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

so a boy (who we shall refer to as disgusto) told me that my broken thumb was karma for not wanting to "get to know him". which is funny. and gross. since he's still married.

but i think disgusto is about to give up. which means all you crazies have a day or so to get in line. because the spot goes quickly when it opens up.

it would be funny if it weren't so darn true. *sigh*

this has all led me to ponder something today. objectification.

what happens when a person that you admire and feel a connection to becomes less important than the idea of what you think they ought to be in relation to you? when is control of the situation more important than respecting the wishes of someone you care about?

i have these two friends. both of them guys. both of whom i respect very much and think the men of the world could really learn from.

sam beam* (not his real name, but the real name of one of his favorite musicians) and i were talking about differentiation the other night (morning?). differentiation between love and lust.

lust says, i must have you now. not your mind, not your heart. well, only those if it gets me closer to accomplishing the result that i feel compelled to pursue. i will persuade, insist, cajole, and otherwise manipulate you into acting/feeling/thinking the way that i want you to. lust is selfish. lust is about the pursuer.

love is different. love is patient. love is kind. recognize that? love is about accomplishing a shared goal, or the glorification and respect of the other. love is never manipulative, selfish, or insistent. love is not desperate or cruel. love grows beautiful things in your life. love is about the beloved.

good gracious that's a smart boy :)

stevie ray* (see above) was comforting me in my frustration at being pursued in such a revolting way. he is very good at comforting me. this is because he's one of the best friends i've ever had and favorite people of all time. i was responding to a comment he had made, when it hit me. i am being objectified.

suddenly, the frustration of being pursued with lust as the sole motivation became less personal and tragedy less imminent. i, the pursued, could finally see the actions of the pursuer as those of desperation and grasping for control. he had decided what he wanted, and my objections were standing in the way of his ability to carry out those desires. it wasn't about me anymore. it was about the pursuer.

stevie ray confirmed this. and assured me that my attempts to hold myself to a ridiculously high standard and keep my relationships holy and righteous were not in vain. that i deserved better. that we all did.

bless his darlin' heart :)

at the end of all this is the idea that disgusto is not alone in his objectification of others. we all do this. all the time. in fact, we do this to god. well, i know that i do. as i was pondering praying for disgusto and his marriage, i was reminded (via a swift kick in the face) that i treat god in much the same way. i am constantly seeking my own outcome, having already made up my mind how things should be. i care not for the desires and glorification of my beloved, but for his response to me and execution of MY will.

*shivers*

ugly no matter how you look at it. i think we should stop doing this.

you have made my day

2008-09-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

even if it's a dream.

alright. i admit it. i'm having a torrid love affair.
very secret. kind of embarassing.
we aren't really involving anyone else.
it's been going on for quite some time, but things are really starting to heat up.

a lot of people think i'm crazy. a bit obsessed.
i should be focusing on more important things...
like my new job.
or getting one that pays more.

but i can't stay away from him.
i want to be thinking about him, listening to songs about him.
every song is a love song.
every song makes me want to dance.
every moon, every cloud, every tree.
all of them romantic beyond belief.

and things are hard right now. really hard.
he showed up just in time.
swept me clean off my feet.
he's been trying forever to get my attention.
even when i'm crying he can make me laugh until it hurts.
the best part is, i can trust him completely, he makes me feel so safe.

i have sold my life to the cause of making sure everyone knows how this feels.
i feel like i can't keep this to myself.
i want to sing and dance around and giggle.
he's made everything so beautiful.

yeshua. my jesus.
son of god.
your name is graven on my wrist.
you've given everything for me. and all you want in return is me.
why do you want me? what could i do for you that would make it worth your while?
hold my face in your hands and tell me i'm yours.
i don't need to know the reasons why.
your gift was unimaginable. how can i keep it to myself?

you have made my day
even in stormy weather.
and i'm dancing in a parade
cause you make bad days better.

great is the way that i am unafraid
when i see you
all my fear goes away

if you'd just realize what i just realized...

2008-09-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

*sigh* dreamy day.

if i hadn't had a migraine i'd have worked all day.
but i had one. so i didn't.

if you miss me you should tell me. i feel like i never see anybody.

p.s. the people i work with make it totally worth it. usually.

concession

2008-08-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

so i've been thinking. usually i assume that no one reads this. my former sunday school teacher, and a huge amazing positive influence and example in my life, reminds me often (love you, alan) that this is not so. well, apparently it's not so.

upon further reflection, it seems that imposing on you all the idea that you should not work for a church, is not my place or my actual intention. i'm just so frustrated. i loved working for the church, even when it was hard. and boy was it hard. but i'm starting to wonder where my life is going.

there's a john mayer song, "stop this train." i've been thinking about it, listening to it a lot. stop this train, i wanna get off and go home again, i can't take the speed it's moving in, i know i can't but honestly won't someone stop this train?

i do have some positive things to say though. i do not hate the church i work for. i do not hate the church universally. i do not hate christians in general. i hate the way i feel right now. and i am begging god for the assurance that it is going to get better. because i believed i should be here. i believed it so much that i came back here. i believe it now so much that i've bypassed huge amounts of money, all kinds of incentives, to stay here and be broke all the time and worry myself to death. because i love god. because i love my family here. because i believe that there are things more important than my ever fluctuating happiness.

i'd have quit my job yesterday if i didn't, TRUST ME.

this is a good time for me to admit that i need some help. i need someone to stand back, try not to jump on me, not draw crazy conclusions, and just tell me they understand and they love me. i haven't heard that once.

and understand the risk i take by explaining all this. i am often misunderstood, and i hate opening myself up to scrutiny like this. but i have to do something to explain that last, cryptic, hastily written, inflammatory post.

be blessed not by my negativity, but by my honesty.

it's all coming back to me now...

2008-06-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

i think i finally understand why they call it "heavy heart" when you're sad. it feels like lead.

i don't suppose i have a lot to say. most things are in my mind and have no words to go with them.

everything will be fine.

anyway, people should go swimming. it's really hot outside.

batter my heart, o three personed god!

2008-06-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

my chest feels heavy today. weighted. i'm so tired.

sleep is a blessing we often take for granted i think. and when it's denied us, we see it for it's full import.

if i wrote here every day, i might tell you that nothing around me seems to change, but i feel like everything is so different from moment to moment that i can barely conceive of the magnitude of the constant changing and spinning. i've been thinking. in christ, we have this glorious opportunity to remain the same, constant, identified, yet take on whatever identity we choose at any given moment at our own will. and this luxury he has afforded us....because? because it's what we want. and a lover pays attention only to the ultimate happiness of the beloved. that's why. that's why he follows us around, making all of himself so available, so present, that we need only feel the slightest bit inclined to look at him and we're washed over with his power and majesty. and to think. all that glory and beauty, searching and aching for me.

i read in a magazine not long ago that women should choose men who feel lucky to have them. in other words, if the woman is more important, beautiful, worthy, then the man will never cheat on her, always appreciate her, never take her for granted. but if the man is the more glorious one, then she'd better watch out, because there would be no reason for him to limit himself only to her when he could clearly do better. and with this message permeating every inch of our culture and consciousness, how could we ever understand or learn to trust someone or something so great and vast that chose to pursue us relentlessly at the cost of his own dignity and very life. that just sounds silly doesn't it. it's so counterintuitive.

but i think that the plan of the great distractor has always been to make us feel unloved. to get in the middle of this romance and make it seem silly and fallacious. like a girl asking herself why she ever thought this man could love her in the first place. didn't everyone know that he was so far above her in the first place? didn't they all mock her behind her back, thinking all along that he would never see her or appreciate the beauty and love that she had to offer? didn't she always expect him to throw to the ground the pieces of her heart that she carefully prepared for him and left lain out on display for him to see? and if this is how we were raised, if this is how the deceiver has positioned us in our world, then how could we be expected to believe something so outlandish? how much more patience did god need to have with us as we do the very things to him that we expect him to do to us!

but this wonderful tragedy of broken hearts and healing touches is what makes a relationship with god so essential. it's so important and vital to the human heart that all cultures yearn and strive to please and feel accepted by this god that has planted himself in their hearts from birth. i marvel at the way that people born in the middle of the forest, never having access to a missionary, a king james bible, or a tract with the four laws written all over it, can feel and long for the face of the same god that i have been blessed to feel and long for. it makes me wonder why it's so hard for me to listen to him sometimes. why i have to fight him and mistrust his will for me.

but every day, i'm afforded the ability to be whoever i want to be, and he lets me decide what i'll do and how i'll see him every moment. and like a truly good love, when it's good it's great. and when it's bad....whoa becky.

you'd like that wouldn't you...

2008-04-28T15:25:00.000-07:00

so, i have to tell you... i talked about my bird, teapot, that i got a month or two ago.

well.

i lost him under the couch last night! it was very stressful. i am just getting to the place where i can get him out and hold him (despite his frequent and voluminous objections) and we don't scare eachother to death. and then he jumps (do birds jump???) out/off of my hand and after a few cute little hop fly scuttles, makes a b-line for under the couch. crumb. he was hard to find. and i didn't want to squish his little cuteness with the legs of the couch by moving it to make him easier to find.

eventually he hopped out from behind it and tried to hide behind my guitar, which was MUCH easier to move without murdering him accidentally. we reached a screeching biting agreement and he went to sleep with a cleaner mirror and new treats to eat while he recovered from his adventure and subsequent heart attack(s).

goodness.

his name was robert paulson.

2008-04-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

i am jack's complete lack of focus.

i'm not even trying to play...

so i was talking to my friend just now. she used to work at the coffee shop i'm currently sitting in. i saw that her facebook said that she was feeling like shit. thinking she was sick, i messaged her and asked what was up. we weren't so very close when she was here, mind you. i mean, i saw her mostly every day because she worked in my second home here. but then she moved away, and i continue to come here, but she does not. so that sort of ended the whole convenient friendship thing.

well, she's fighting with her boyfriend. that sucks. i know. but she's not dying of polio or something like that. so, we got to talking about a guy who's hanging up his art here. he's going to use a painting that's covered right now, to propose to his girlfriend. i told her about it, and mentioned that i was jealous. this lead to a conversation about both of us having been engaged before, and then all that goes along with that.

this is where the interesting part comes in. this girl, a preppy, gorgeous, cheerleader type girl, says she feels like something in her is broken. like she can fall in love with someone until she's really in love and then it breaks. something changes. she basically says to me exactly what i feel inside myself. like my inabililty to actually move forward with someone is really beyond my control in a way. i can't stop quitting before i ever really get started. which leads me to believe that i might not be as big of a freak as i think i am. is it possible that this is common in our culture? lack of committment isn't just a joke to be made at the expense of boys.

but i have to go. more on this later. ruminate on it for me, will ya?

what kind of day was this?

2008-03-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting here, in the middle of the night. on a couch that isn't mine. in a house where i do not live. using a computer that isn't mine. wearing a sweatshirt that isn't mine. drinking milk that isn't mine. waiting for someone who isn't coming down the stairs.

depressing as it seems, it is yet quite comforting. i like this place. it's a good life we have.

the heater is squeaking strangely. i've never noticed it before. maybe it's because it's so quiet now. so very quiet. you see, i'm at the boys' house. matthew's been gone for a few days, and he's home, but he's sleeping now. i didn't even see him when i came in, because he has to work at 6 am. and i took josh to the airport today with travis. now they're in portland. so he's going to be gone for several days. but i came back tonight. and here i sit. mostly because i might not actually live here, but it's more comfortable for me to sit on this couch alone, no real excuse for being here, than it is to sit in my own house alone, listening to my bird tell me how much he hates being alone. i agree with him.

i miss the boys. i miss my family.

i like the comforting silence of sleeping households. i told someone the other day that my ideal life would be standing in my darkened house some day. i'll be old, tired, and so very happy. i want to have so many children and grandchildren that i have to step all around and over them to get to the bathroom on christmas eve night. and i'll stand in the door way smiling, my heart warm and full. then i'll know that feeling of completion, having accomplished the most deeply imbedded of god's desires for my life.

so that's why i'm here. other people might not understand why it's perfectly acceptible for me to be sitting here like this. they might not even understand what it means to me to just be here right now. but i know. and the boys know. we're a family of our own. we chose each other. i like to know they're sleeping safely. wherever they are. i like to feel the warmth of knowing we're in the same house. i feel a little less myself when they've been gone for long.

i hope for everyone to know this feeling at some point. as much and as often as possible really.

thanks be to god.

i owe ya one...

2008-03-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

things you always wished you knew about me...

my grandparents were born in ireland. so i'm no st. patrick's day poser :)
i love olives. particularly kalamata olives.
listening to the clash makes me think of jesus.
i hate good friday.
i love my daddy more than any other man on earth and i'll marry a man just like him.
wearing heels makes me feel cute and important.
pretty music makes me cry. every time.
i like boys who are the opposite of clean and pretty. and let's hear it for the stubbly beards!

it's so pretty today. i loved laying in bed under the covers, knowing i had nowhere to be, listening to the rain on the metal air conditioner in my window. i loved standing at the door in my pj's and robe, watching the rain wash my driveway and clean off my car.

my bird thinks it's always night time i think because it's been gray and rainy since he came home. oh yeah, i got a new friend. his name is teapot, and he's a blue-green parakeet. he's just lovely. i simply adore him. i'm teaching him to say his name, and whistle the nbc chord. n, b, c. teapot and i are going to be very happy together. i will start trying to hold him tomorrow. wish me luck! he just started making birdy noises today, so i think he's starting to loosen up, but he'll bite me a lot for the next few weeks until we're used to eachother. the girl at the pet store told me he was just a baby though, so it shouldn't draw blood, just pinch a bit. he already proved her wrong. i took him out of his bath tub last night and he bit my finger pretty good, made the cuticle bleed. but he's still the gall-dern cutest thing i've ever seen. n, b, c. :)

finally, in other news, the fight club is an amazingly dark and beautiful movie. i still have no idea what it's about and i've seen it twice. fantastic.

if you could get a telegram from any figure in history, who would you choose, and what would it say? my answer will follow in the next post. ready, go!

things i do not like, and things i do like (not in that particular order of course...)

2008-03-02T13:19:00.000-08:00

i like:
sleeping
eating things i should
eating things i should not
taking a bath at night before bed
feeling in control
warm weather with skirts and small shoes
the rain through the windows
album leaf #5

i do not like:
feeling stressed
being with people when i'd rather be alone
people knowing me and refusing to leave me alone
being too busy to be happy
missing my mama and daddy
feeling lame
being lonely

alive!

2008-02-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

that's me. rejoining the land o' the living one toenail at a time.

and i'm eating cake. right now, actually. and puffed wheat.

i have this funny spring-ish type stirring in my soul these days. i'm feeling quite romantic, thinking of skirts and green grass, and wishing it were warmer and sunnier.

and lately, it seems that i'm feeling more romantic in other ways too. i was, until very recently, quite content with my station in life. happy with sweet brothers and generally settled in my singleness. but i've been thinking about these ideas. sneaky ideas, conspiring to infiltrate my consciousness. the idea of holding someone's hand. the idea of sitting across from someone in the grass by the river, staring into his eyes, and being unable to see anyone else or think of anything else. the idea of someone singing to me. the idea of liking these ideas.

more than anything, i've been wishing lately that someone thought i was amazing. and not just, wow, she's a good leader/good teacher/excellent friend amazing. i wish someone thought i was so amazing that they were intrigued by me, unable to stop thinking about me, in awe of the things that make me beautiful and different.

and for all this, i blame valentine's day. darn pink hearts.

today.

2008-02-12T18:43:00.000-08:00

i almost died.

i got dizzy. fever. dehydrated.

i fell down and hit my head.

then they wanted $1000 to scan my brain.

no way man. rapid onset flu, they said. possible concussion.

now people are brianna sitting.

i don't like being taken care of.

love is...

2008-02-02T14:42:00.000-08:00

different.

i don't think it ever really goes away. it just changes. like remembering when you wanted to marry someone. and then hearing yourself tell the lady who is borrowing your phone in brahms that this person is your brother and these beautiful, intelligent, articulate boys aren't your kids.

and love is hard. like trying to forget someone who helped you become who you are.

but love is also worth it. seeing love in the eyes and the face of someone looking only at you. even after all the crud and gunk that's passed between you, time apart, and cruel words.

it's hard to accept. like god's love. unwarrented. undeserved. largely underappreciated.

but it was still there. just different.

huh.

stressful, much?

2008-01-28T14:20:00.001-08:00

okay, so i'm a little behind. my friends are amazing at this blogging every day thing. but me...well you know how it is.

i'm frustrated beyond my ability to put it into words. painful. life is friggin painful.

timothy says my blogging is more vague the closer something is to me. the less important it is, the more specific i am. today i'm feeling... unable to control the pain. i want to talk to someone. something. so, you want specific? you got it.

a while ago i wrote about a relationship in my life that had become quite a bit idolatrous in my own heart, and how i had to cut it off. unfortunately, the party of the second part wasn't cooperative or supportive of this decision. i keep thinking eventually he'll give up and leave me alone. but instead he's become increasingly more...well, clingy and obsessed with the idea that everything has to be okay and "go back to normal". and all the while his actions and decisions hurt more and more. and i fall farther and farther into this pit of mean ugliness, becoming this person who looks and acts nothing like me.

and i can't control it! garbh.

but i promised to try. so yesterday came, and everything else fell apart. without going into great depths of gore, i will say that the things i usually lean on, my family, my friends, my church. they all left me. they fell apart. i was holding them together. with my own broken insides, with my barely-able-to-function heart, i was taking care of them all the best i could. and no one was there to take care of me. because i sent them away.

my defense is to shut everything out. which is mean, particularly in the above-mentioned case. if i'm hardly able to move, 3 seconds away from crying, the last thing i can do is look into the eyes of the one person who has been such a rock for me. who shielded me, held my hand, sat with me, listened. the last thing i can do is look into his eyes and see nothing for me. i can't stand up under that. so i didn't. i hid. and i hurt him yet again. i'm still doing it. today. probably tomorrow. all week.

but i wonder, what else can i do?

i don't feel like there's any other choice.

and as for the rest of this business, i just need to keep taking it. like punches to the face. eventually they'll stop.

squeaker

2008-01-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

soooo....

did you know that people are more beautiful, exponentially when they smile? you even feel more beautiful when you smile, or at least i do. kind of like convincing the inside to come to the outside for a little while.

funny thing. when people fall off the edge or jump into a hole on super mario brothers, i always catch my breath and my heart races a little bit. people run into things, no big deal. get eaten by turtle-ducks. no sweat. but falling, almost falling, jumping from mushroom to mushroom, spanning caverns and gaping holes. NERVE WRACKING.

and the wii is the new bane of my existence. takes up much mental energy. woot.

garhbhfff

2008-01-10T17:03:00.000-08:00

have you ever tried to love someone through a disagreement. a terrible difficulty. tried with all your might. and in the end, your love never reached them through the mess they'd built up and scattered between the two of you?

it's futile. it's frustrating. it's painful and exhausting.

but sometimes people just can't hear things. i mean, i've been that person before.

i might be a little short on patience today anyway, really. it might be a little easier to get to me. i'm already vulnerable. i'm already frustrated.

i'm already feigning a positive outlook.

this guy was scary today. he called me every name in the book. cussed me up one side and down the other. but i suppose i'll have a little patience with him.

i suppose some days at least the inside of me looks a lot like that anyway.

the coolest ever.

2008-01-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

i was walking down the street this afternoon in delano, heading back to my car after a totally unnecessary shopping (ad)venture. that's when this idea hit me. i stopped and evaluated myself for a moment.

eeeeeiiirch. just a helpful hint, don't evaluate yourself in the middle of the street, even if you are in a crosswalk. burnt rubber. mmm. brake smell. add that to the evaluation.
check.

weird army-green athletic type jacket from a ski trip on which i never skied.
check.
hot pink vinyl loafers.
check.
recently procured orange wool gloves from the hat store.
check.
mmmmm. lemon grass lip balm from the nice lady at the red store.
check, and double check.
hair that never really dried quite right, no make up, and black plastic rimmed glasses.
check.

it occurred to me that i probably look like someone incredibly mysterious and inspiringly cool...intriguing and endearingly quirky.

then again i may look more like crazy mike's girlfriend.

it's possible that my mumbling/humming, and excessive applications of lip balm made out of foliage might point observers in the direction of the latter. also standing in a crosswalk looking up at the sky tends to encourage doubts about a person's mental faculties.

but i suppose today i'll go with mysterious and endearing.

i've been waiting...

2008-01-05T13:51:00.000-08:00

well it sure has been a long while between these two posts. i don't think it's so much that i'm having trouble figuring out when i have time, it's just that it seems like i don't really have anything that i feel is worth saying these days. i came here several days, sitting, staring at the blank box, blinking cursor, and always ended up saving the draft. i would delete anything that made it far enough to publish. i'm all bottled up. it's hard for things to break through and get out.

but this morning i was thinking about the major decisions that i've made in the past 48 hours. i was mulling over some kind of outlet for the pain and frustration they've caused and will continue to cause. and it occurred to me that i've probably waited all of you out, and you don't read this anymore, so i'm completely safe explaining myself here. safe. ha.

idolatry. do you know what it really means to have a problem with idolatry? because i thought i did. and as it tends to be with the things of god, i came quite abruptly to the realization i didn't. a few days ago, it occurred to me that as much crap as i tend to give the israelites for their cyclical issues concerning the subject, i'm a blatant violator of the same commandment and worse yet, i'm in denial.

however, this problem, in my defense, was not as easy to spot. you see, it isn't really any one thing that i place before god. it's....well, it's everything.
relationships. psh.
friendships. boy howdy.
my job. understatement of the year.
it's like i use god's name to get me the v.i.p. pass into any christian event or relationship or conversation that i intend to wriggle my happy little self into. and the piece de resistance...i do everything possible in my minuscule and pathetic power to eliminate any time spent alone with my own thoughts, through which the father might capture my attention and correct me. which creeps out the people i use to accomplish that end, and makes me feel like i don't even know who i am anymore.

and this, my friends, is why i don't write anymore. until now. because i'm facing the demons now. i'm alone now. no one is here to save me from the work that i have to do now. two nights ago i drove around and cried. all night long. from 4 am when my friend and i got done with middle of the night coffee, until 8 am when i had to go to work. i listened to the same song over and over and begged god to tell me just one thing i could do to make this better. to stop this horrible blackness that was eating my insides. to end the voices clamoring for me to stop plugging the holes in my soul with faces. i begged him and he told me. cut it off he said. cut it off, cut it out, remember who you were. how you were. and when i promise god something i do it. there have been people i would have married, places i could have lived, jobs i would have made substantial money doing. but those things weren't god's will. i promised him i wouldn't. i can't break promises to him.

so i'm cutting it off. sawing it roughly, really. jagged edges tearing away at it. breaking nerves, capillaries. i'm bleeding out, and it feels like i might suffocate for the weight of the pain sinking into places i never knew existed. but this one relationship is symbolic of the entirety of my unrighteous ignorance. it hurts me to be alone. but it's righteous pain. they can't save me. they can't fix me. he's my immanuel. i've been plugging that hole long enough.

consider yourself unloaded upon.

please stand and speak clearly into the microphone...

2007-09-24T14:46:00.000-07:00

well, i'm nervous. wringing my hands. what do you say in your first ever real blog? my eyes shifting, i look over my right shoulder. it took me nearly eleventy-billion years to pick a name for this thing. i finally swallowed hard a few minutes ago and hit the save button on "captivating persephone" but i'm still a little concerned that some part of the word captivating might mean something dastardly and deplorable in the slang language of a tribe just outside of timbuktu, but only when combined with a word ending in "phone" and used on the last monday of any month consisting of 30 days.

all irrationalities aside, here's what i've decided that you should know. i chose persephone because she is me, and who i want to be. she is the goddess of innocence and receptivity. she was stolen away and hidden, but even then, as queen of the underworld, a circumstance she did not choose for herself, she shone with grace and beauty, bringing brilliance to that darkness. i feel like we'd be sisters if she were here. i bet she didn't like to cook, pay bills, or shave her legs either.

i chose captivating for the simple reason that i have been captivated. if you saw my left wrist, you'd see characters spelling out the greek word for bond slave. i'm not embarassed to admit that i am absolutely taken with god. possessed. driven to distraction for love of him. i made my commitment. i chose to belong first to him for the rest of forever. it is not easy to captivate me. i won't be taken quietly. imagine captivating grace and light. kidnapping is really your only solution.

so there you have it. i like to write. understatement. i love to write. but i expect it to mean little to most people. this is a space to regurgitate the cacophony that wanders about in my mind.